The Quest For Me

So I went into work and told Elle off for driving while drunk. She got all mad at me saying that it was no big deal. I informed her that it was in fact a huge deal.

So she's been riding my ass all week at work for it. Whatever. I maintain my position.

Went to the checkstop for MADD last night. It was awesome. I love checkstops. I took home a couple pens and some ribbons. I put the pens in the pen container at work. I tied one ribbon to my purse, and the other one to my visor at work.

These two guys come into the store and get subs. They notice the red ribbon on my hat. They put money in the donation box we have by the till and get red ribbons to tie to their hats.

Too fricken cool! I'm a trendsetter. For a good cause!

Dear Santa Claus,

I'll be the first to admit, I haven't exactly been on my best behavior all year, but for the most part, I was a very good girl. I made a lot of improvements and grew a lot, so take that into consideration when you're making your list and checking it twice.

Anyways, for Christmas this year I would like:

-Art supplies. You know, markers, paper, paint, paintbrushes, maybe some funky stuff to paint
-Headphones that never break
-Some new books. I would be particularly thrilled if they were Shel Silverstein or Robert Munsch books
-A new iPod. The input on the one I have is starting to get a little wonky
-Lush bath products
-more karaoke music
-a new microphone

And if you could somehow swing world peace, and end to impaired driving, and a way for me and my friends to work things out, that would be great too, but I totally understand those are some major things you probably have no control over.

Anyways, next year will be better. I know it for sure. It's already getting better.

Love,
Sarah

We had our staff party on Sunday night. It was blast. We went bowling, then we went to Subway where we were served a fabulous meal. I brought my karaoke machine. I entertained my coworkers. I even got some of them to sing with me. The kids at the party took turns picking out songs for me. It was really cool.

After the party, a few of us headed to a nearby coworkers house for a few more drinks. I didn't feel like drinking, but I was definitely down with some dancing and having a good time.

Around midnight, I was getting tired. I've had an emotional week, and I've had the flu. Everyone was getting stupidly drunk and it was just getting to be too much socialness for me. Knowing my limits has been a challenge for me and I'm working on being okay with what my limits are.

I got home and Britany came over to hang out. We got bored and decided to go back to the party. When I got there, I was immediately surrounded in coworkers telling me how much they love me and how glad they are to see that I'm doing better.

One coworker, let's just call her "Elle" decided to have a very long drunken chat with me about how I have so much to live for in my life. I have no idea what the future holds for me. I'm so awesome and talented. She has also gone through struggles, but now she has two kids and grandkids who are her whole world. I always have that to look forward to in my life. (Not too soon, I hope.)

I know that she is right about all of this. This is not the part I had a problem with.

After about fifteen minutes of her going on and on about how I am such an amazing person with so much to live for, Elle decides that she wants to go home.

She is so drunk that she can barely talk, and she definitely can't walk straight. She goes outside. Thought she was going for a smoke.

I look outside and she is walking to her car with her keys. I start yelling at her. What the fuck dude? Two other people run outside after her. They are also hammered, but at least they are out there trying to fight her for her keys.

She fights everyone off, tells them to fuck off and drives away. She'll be fine, she lives in town and is taking the back roads.

Pisses me off so much! Stupid bitch! You're gonna sit and lecture me about how I have so much to live for, yet you'll take off driving drunk?

You want to tell me that your children and grandchildren mean the world to you, yet you think nothing of not only putting yourself at risk, but of putting everybody else at risk?

When you get behind the wheel of a car after drinking, you are putting everybody at risk. You could take the entire world away from someone in an instant.

I really can't comprehend why people are still doing this. The education is out there. The safer options are out there. Fuck, you want to take a stupid gamble? Go spend 20 bucks in a casino.

You get behind the wheel of a car while drinking, you're a moron. End of story.

I woke up yesterday nauseous. I didn't think too much of it. The night before I was given a challenge, and I couldn't stop shaking. I thought it was nerves. The nauseous feeling didn't really go away, but I didn't think too much of it. I mean, it was almost all nerves, I was sure of it.

Called my mom to get her perspective. I thought I handled the situation well, but hey, I've been very wrong before. (This past weekend is a great example of me not handling a situation very well at all.) She did also think that I did the right thing, so that was nice to hear. She also gave me some other insights that were both amusing and interesting, and probably right.

I was run down all day yesterday though. Didn't think too much of it. Letting myself heal and soul searching and stuff like that is very tiring. I knew when I started that I'd be more tired than usual, so I've been making sure that I'm taking extra good care of myself. Eating three meals a day, even when I'm not hungry, I make sure I nibble on something and letting myself get extra sleep, especially when I'm tired.

Yesterday, I made a new video. I was so full of joy, I just wanted to share it with the world. I've really missed being me, and I'm so happy to be getting back on track. I know I have a long way to go, but we all start somewhere. I'm building a new relationship with myself, one brick at a time. I want to make sure that it's solid and strong. I noticed my voice cracked a couple times, but I figured it was just because I was so bouncy. Didn't pay too much attention to that.

Went to the library and read for awhile, went to play with my coworkers grandson for awhile. That's always fun.

Got to work and I was so cold I couldn't warm up. Then I was so hot I'd be standing outside with no jacket to cool off. This continued all night. I was a little moody, so I figured that I was hungry. Had no appetite though, so I just made myself a bowl of soup.

At quarter to 11, it hit me. Hugging the porcelain bowl. The flu that went around Subway did not escape me. I stayed there most of the night.

I am so excited! Yeah, why would one be excited to have the flu? Because it means that I am healing. I am coming down from my stress levels. I'm gonna be okay! Also, I have never really let myself be sick before. I always berate myself for getting sick and force myself to work and do my stuff anyways. I always tell myself that I don't have the time to be sick. As a result, I'm sure I don't get the rest I need.

I am going to let myself be sick. Let this run it's course. I mean really, what better excuse is there than the flu to have the pajama and movie day you've been wanting for weeks?

Life is great man. I'm a survivor. No matter what happens, I'm gonna land on my feet and rock the world.

When I was in college, I was really insecure and hated myself. I really couldn't see the good in much. I was convinced that I would fail and that my life would amount to very little.

The girl who sat across from me was someone I really did not like at all. She was so secure, so full of faith and so happy. She was a self righteous bitch as far as I was concerned.

She said to me. "I know you love yourself. Everybody does. Come on, who's the first person you look for in a group picture? It's YOU you look for!"

At the time, I really wanted to punch her in the mouth.

But what she said to me that day stuck with me. It's been two years now and I can still see that conversation clear as day.

I thought about that conversation a lot since then. It would always pop in my head when I was down. I would try to see what she was talking about and I just couldn't understand it.

Not gonna say I fully understand it now. But I think that it gave me a jumping off point. She was right, I know that much. Now to find the rest of me. Now to actually believe what that classmate said to me.

Now to believe myself.

It saddens me how the night is always the darkest before the dawn, but I have to believe with all of my heart that everything happens for a reason and no matter what, I am going to be okay.

When the smoke cleared and I was standing alone, I saw a few things. One, I was still standing. Two, how could I expect anyone else not to abandon me when I had abandoned myself so long ago?

I have and had some amazing people in my life. They all believed that I was going to make it. That my life was going to be awesome. That I was capable and deserving of love. That I am a good person. They used to remind me of this all the time. And it was great to be reminded and reassured, but I just didn't believe them. On one level, I knew they would never lie to me, but on another level, I just couldn't see it.

It's weird. I have never thought a lot about how my actions affect others. I do, but not a whole lot. Something that really opened my eyes was seeing how someone was deeply affected and hurt. It struck me because I really didn't think I had an effect on her. When I saw the impact, it made me think about the ripple effect. I have only been seeing what is right in front of my face, and even that perspective has been skewed.

I have to tell myself that I am worth the fight. That I am going to be okay. That my life is going to be amazing and filled with love no matter where I go in life. I tell myself this several times a day. I wake up in the morning and tell myself that something good will happen.

I am full of hope. I am scared because I don't know where the path is going next, but I do that that it's going to be an adventure worth living. It's hard right now. I feel like I'm waking up for the first time. Learning to live for the first time. Honestly, I don't have a clue what I'm doing, but I have faith that I'll figure it out. I just have to keep on telling myself that I am worth it, and I will be okay.

To those who have saved my life on many levels, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. But now, I have to save myself. I have to be there for myself. I will never abandon my soul again.

I wanna have fun
I wanna get loud
I wanna let loose
I wanna be free

I wanna lay under the stars
I wanna laugh with my friends
I wanna find arms I can cuddle in
I wanna be loved

I wanna keep my pen on my paper
I wanna sing out loud
I wanna perform for the world
I wanna be dream

I wanna know that there are kisses in my future
I wanna know that love will find a way
I wanna know that I will not be left empty handed
I wanna know that I am perfect the way I am

Dear Steveo,

I miss you so much right now. I thought it was bad when you moved to Edmonton. I thought it was worse when I moved to Meadow Lake. I guess when you think things can't get any worse, they do.

I am getting ready to move back to Winnipeg. I am so scared. I know if you were around, you would be so excited. When I get back, I want to volunteer for Gio's Cares. I know when I told you that I was pretty sure I was moving back, you were excited to get me involved with that.

You were the only person in the world who ever loved me the way I loved them. You always knew what to say. You could make me laugh, you could talk me down. You knew when to chase me and you knew when to let me run. You knew when it was okay to be too busy, you knew when you needed to talk to me before I did something stupid.

You saved my life man. At a time when I would have much rather died. You believed me when an entire town thought I was a nutcase. Sometimes you drove me nuts, but that summer at Simone's meant a lot to me. I still remember us cruising around Gimli that night. Nothing to do but drive up and down Center Street. I still remember the awkwardness at karaoke the next night. But our friendship survived.

Right now I know I'm driving Belle and Jayne nuts and I feel so guilty for it. I am so off balance. I am jealous of the fact that Belle and Jayne still have each other. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. When I hang out with them, I feel like a third wheel. We're all close friends, but they like each other just a little bit better.

I remember when I was feeling depressed like this, I could run to your arms. I could lay in your arms and everything was alright. It didn't mean anything more than just comfort. Those arms are gone now, and there are no arms that I can just lay in.

I don't remember when it happened that I would just knew that we would always be friends. I do remember needing lots of reassurance. You never got mad no matter how many times I needed to check to make sure we were still best friends. No matter how many times I broke, you still reassured me that we were still friends.

There was a time this summer when I wasn't sure what to do anymore. When you started going to the bath houses, it scared me. It seemed we were drifting apart. I thought that maybe I would have to walk away. I was out camping that weekend and when Belle came to see me, I talked to her about it. She reminded me that I could never walk away from you. We would figure something out. We would be just fine. You know what? She was right. When I started to doubt our bond, you proved to me yet again that it wasn't going anywhere.

It truly was an honor to be your best friend. I was so lucky to be able to call you mine.

I almost deleted Belle off my Facebook when I came home from the hospital. My pointer was hovering over "remove from friends". Suddenly, I remembered the night that Belle told me that everything would work between me and you. Later on that night, she picked me up. We went cruising around town and she told me everything I needed to hear. That we are going to be friends no matter what. That I can't push her away because she's not going anywhere. I like to think that somehow you told her that I needed to hear that. If you send her any more messages, make sure she knows that she is going to have to remind me a lot that we will be friends no matter what. You know how I tend to have a hard head.

I can't believe that it's been two months now. It only seems to be getting harder. I will never ever find anyone like you ever again. Not that I really want to, but I miss having a bond as strong as we had. I hope to one day have a bond like that with someone again. I know that more than anything, in life or in death, you always wanted me to be happy.

I hope that you are watching over me now, and if you are, I'm sorry that you're watching me cry. I have to tell you though, it feels good to cry a bit. It feels like it's been a long time coming.

I love you. I miss you. I am so thankful that we were able to tell each other how much we loved each other as much as we did. I am so thankful that your words are one click away.

I wish that I could send this to you. Maybe God lets you check email.

Love always,
Your best friend, now and forever,
Sarah

I've been back home in Meadow Lake for a few days now. My first day back at work was yesterday.

I'm feeling like I am a vagabond in the midst of a dream. Not sure where to turn because my demons are eating me alive.

The reality of Steveo's death hit me hard when I had to view the body. It took three people to hold me up. I have this insane fear of dead things. Compound that to the fact that the dead thing there was my best friend. The funeral was a blur. Almost fainted when they started to take out the coffin.

The burial site is where I lost it. All these people all around. My best friend laying in a coffin. I had to go up to the coffin to say my final farewell. I didn't want the audience. I felt it was an intimate moment between me and Steveo. I didn't want to leave his side. I couldn't bring myself to leave the burial site. I wanted to lay on the grass beside him and fall asleep.

I left Winnipeg the next day. I wanted a couple days to just chill out and do nothing. Spend time with my closest friends. Play my guitar and write.

I just really wasn't prepared for how bad it would get when I got back to Meadow Lake.

All I ever do is cry and scream anymore. I resent everyone. I don't want to be around anyone. I try to pretend like I'm just holding on here, but really, I'm going nuts. I feel so sad and empty. I don't know how to deal with this. I know that I am doing self destructive things, and I don't really care.

I don't want to talk to anybody, and the very few friends I am willing to even entertain the idea of being around, well, the way I've been acting, they're not going to be my friends much longer.

I lash out at everything. I have been so self absorbed. How can I feel so numb yet so hateful at the same time? I feel so detached from myself. I don't even recognize my own face in the mirror.

I don't feel capable of being a friend even to those I love the most. I have this whole "I hate you, don't leave me" complex going on right now.

My friends don't deserve this bullshit from me. They have enough stuff going on. I think I'll just continue to hole myself up in my room.

I can't even handle being around myself right now. Why should I make someone else be around me?

The last week has been so overwhelming, yet at the same time I've been so numb. So many messages, so many random people telling me how sorry they am for my loss. I know that everyone means well, but it's overwhelming.

Meeting all these people who also loved Steveo. Seeing people who barely knew him try to tell me that they were his best friend and that their world is ending.

A week of memorials, the funeral, the burial, the media bombardment. Two memorial karaoke nights next week, and the new development that the fire was arson. It's just so much to handle. It just seems to be dragging on and on. I want to get back to my life already. I wonder if I am being insensitive here. But really, we both knew we loved each other. I will never forget him.

What if they do catch the person who committed the arson? Whether they get a slap on the wrist or a lifetime in prison, it couldn't bring him back, and it wouldn't somehow compensate for the pain that me or anyone else grieving this loss feels.

They say bad things come in threes, so hopefully this is the last blow for awhile. I need some time to deal with all the other stuff. I want a normal life for awhile.

People at the funeral trying to somehow guilt me into moving back home because of this. I found it to actually be quite offensive.

I get back home to Meadow Lake broke and hungry. Tired both physically and mentally. Emotionally exhausted.

I don't want to burden my friends with my drama or my mood swings. Or the fact that I still don't feel like doing anything. I am so angry at the world for no particular reason. I don't want to leave the house.

Today Belle and I had a long conversation about a lot of different things, including sexuality. My immediate urge was to call Steveo to ask him questions and bounce stuff off of him. Then I remembered. Real life had begun again, but he was still gone.

I will now dance alone on my 35th birthday. It's a reality I wish I didn't have to face.

I'm in a state of shock. I can't stop shaking. I am so cold. I want to hurl. Everything just feels so surreal. I don't even feel attached to my own body.

I wrote a new song last night. I recorded it today and posted it to YouTube. It was an awesome day. I was so productive. Had collected all the information that Tonya needed, was working on my demo. But it still felt like somewhat of a lazy day. In my pyjamas eating Halloween candy watching the snow fall outside my window, playing my guitar and writing.

I finished recording Lonely House and posted it to YouTube. I decided to post a link to Steveo's wall. He loved Losing You so much. The song made him cry. He wanted me to send him an .mp3 of it so he could put it in his iPod. So I figured he would probably like Lonely House too.

I get to his Facebook page and see all these posts that say RIP Steveo and stuff. My first thought was that this was some sort of an inside joke. But the more I scrolled down, the more posts I saw. I got this knot in my stomach.

I called Jill. Told her what was going on. She didn't have Steveo on her friends list so she couldn't go see. Kathy changed her password so she couldn't use her Facebook. I called Katie. Figured if anyone knew anything and could put a stop to this blasphemous rumor, it would be her. There was no answer.

Someone on Facebook messaged me to tell me that this was no rumor. By this time, Jill was at my house and I was hyperventilating. She Googled news stories. They confirmed the fire that the people were talking about, but no names had been released.

I called everyone I knew who could possibly know something in Winnipeg. Nothing. Tried calling John's restaurant. Then remembered it was closed. Called Diane. She hadn't heard anything, but she said she would call the family and call me back.

Less than five minutes later, I got the call. It was true. Steveo was gone.

I fell to my knees and started screaming. I could feel myself mentally checking out. It was like it was happening in slow motion. I vaguely remember Jill getting Kathy on the phone for me. I don't really remember talking to Kathy. I think I may have just screamed in the phone.

You see, Steveo was the guy who could calm me down.

Like the night before. I had had an emotional day. Was just emo all day and feeling sorry for myself. Still reeling a lot more from my recent break up than I would like to admit.

I asked him to marry me sooner. Why wait until we were 35? True love is a crock. It doesn't exist. The only thing that is real is the delusion in between heart breaks.

He tried so hard to convince me that I just needed to believe.

Steveo is the only man I will ever truly love. He is the only person in the world to ever love me like I loved him.

It would have been the perfect marriage. We loved each other. We were best friends. We could still sleep with whoever we wanted to. Hell, we didn't even have to live together. Come on, it would have been the happiest marriage ever.

He asked me why I was so upset. I told him I just didn't want to wait. He told me he knew that I was upset about something. I told him I was still heart broken over my break up, and I didn't want to be anymore. I didn't understand why it still hurt so bad. Especially since everything worked out. I mean, she's still my best friend.

He told me that the pain would go away. True love will come when I least expect it, just never stop believing.

You know, most of the time when people die, they have regrets about what they said or even worse, what they didn't say. I can say quite comfortably that I have no regrets about that. He always knew I loved him. I always knew he loved me. We never forgot to tell each other that. Everything I ever wanted or needed to say to him, I told him. Nothing was left unsaid. I am so thankful for that. When I was in Winnipeg a few weeks ago, we spent almost every day together. We had so much fun.

I feel a little unbalanced. Steveo was my Winnipeg best friend. The friend I had known the longest. My closest friend. The only other human being who really got me. Kathy is my Meadow Lake best friend. I would always call one when I was annoyed with the other.

Steveo wanted to meet Kathy so badly. He was so happy to know that I had such a wonderful friend here. He also had to make sure that she was good enough for me, though we both always knew she was. Kathy gets me like Steveo always did. The only thing Steveo had over her was time. Kathy is my best friend. But I am now officially no one's best friend anymore.

It comes in waves of disbelief and waves of devastation. Then I feel guilty. Steveo would have never wanted to see me like this. He never would have wanted me to hurt this much and so badly.

My best friend. My part time lover. My fiance. My duet partner. My world. The only man I ever trusted to never break my heart. Gone. Never coming back.

It's been a long ass day. Well, weekend, really. It was a very emotional weekend. I always have so much mixed feelings about going home. So I was stressed about that. Then things were also stressful with Kay. Lots of stuff seemed to be happening this weekend, as well as the stress of being apart.

Now don't get me wrong here. It's not like I need to spend every waking moment glued to her hip, but we've never been apart that long. Even when we were just friends. Really, for the most part, as weird as it sounds, I am happy to miss her. Very happy to be away from her for awhile. It gives us both space and time to breathe and think. Gives us time to be stronger apart so we can be stronger together.

A few people have asked me what this is. Is it a boredom thing? Is it a lack of availability? Is it love? Is it the one love TO RULE THEM ALL!?

No. I don't know. Maybe. I think so. I wouldn't mind it if it was. Why get my hopes up?

What it boils down to is that we are two friends who both feel that we were put in each other's path for a reason. This is a time to grow, a time to learn, a time to cherish, a time to love. I am happy where I am, and I am happy with where I am going.

Doesn't mean I'm not scared.

This weekend was emotional. We both had to face a lot. Face fears, face realities, face our emotions.

So I didn't get a whole lot of sleep.

Then I had to get up at 4 this morning to catch my flight to Winnipeg.

I got in and my mom picked me up. We went out and got some lunch and went shopping. It was a great time. It was great to see my mom. Great to have that mother-daughter time. It was a girlie day, shopping at Mac and Sephora and Lush. Got to see Chrissy and Joey. I will be doing some radio shows while I am here. It's an online station, so anyone and everyone can listen. I'll be posting times and links when I figure out when I'm going in.

I got to see the sample of the new business card. I love it! My sister did a great job! I am super stoked to share it with everyone. The cards will be printed by next week.

I met my producer tonight finally. I am so excited to work with him. It was great to chat and get some ideas and insights as to what some steps are that I need to take.

I find it to be overwhelming to be in the city. So many people. So much traffic. But I'm here now. For two weeks.

I am excited to connect with people, see my family and friends, and do lots of cool stuff.

But I will be happy to go back home, that's for sure.

Wow! One week today until my trip home. Just to clarify, this is a visit and not a move. Lol, I keep on hearing the rumor in Subway that I moved back to Winnipeg. It's kind of entertaining. Seriously, next major move, I'm going coastal. East or West, I really don't know yet. But that's not important right now.

Two weeks is not a very long time to fit in family, friends, and work, but I plan on trying. To make this easier, I have planned some activities that everyone can join in on. Just show up and let the good times roll.

Friday, September 18
Social at Crescentwood Community Center
1170 Corydon Ave, Winnipeg
Academy of Broadcasting fundraiser for Rent - The Musical
Tickets are $10 - available at Academy of Broadcasting, basement of Polo Park
Starts at 8:00 pm

Saturday, September 19
Spending the day in Gimli! Woot!
Hoping that it's warm enough for me to go to the beach.
Supper at Brennivins with L Club 3 and friends.
Karaoke in Arborg 9:00 pm to 2:00 am


Tuesday, September 22
OMG Shopping!!!!!
Polo Park
Will probably get there around noon and then shop till I drop
Definitely will be hitting La Senza and Lush
Feel free to tag along and not let me make any terrible fashion faux pas, after all I do live in a small town in Northern Saskatchewan now

I know that I will be doing Gio's however, exact dates still need to be determined.

I would also like to do a Forks Day, but that I will try to schedule for when Jill and Jeff are around, just because it's such a tourist spot, with a lot of great pictures to be taken.

I will also be spending an afternoon in Osborne Village. Have to hit up Wild Planet and the Crypt!

I will have my cell, so text me if you need to.

This page will be updated as necessary.

Today is August 31st. The end of summer. Well, I guess you could argue that "summer" is over when school starts, or after Labor Day weekend. But you get the idea.

For me, summer has always been a time of growing and learning. Maybe it stems from all the cheesey teen movies and books about growing and lessons learned over the summer holidays away from school.

This summer was a particularly interesting summer for me. I really did learn a lot. It seems like lots of stuff happened in a very short two months. It's hard to believe that it's over already. Really, it's September tomorrow? Wow. My siblings and I are now discussing Christmas arrangements. I am hoping to work Christmas Day. I will not be home for Christmas, and I have no family here, so I would like to work that day. Then maybe I can also finagle getting the night off or at least off early for New Year's Eve.

Okay, a little sidetracked there.

I kicked off the summer with a photo shoot in Loon Lake. My good friend Jill offered to take some pictures that I desperately needed done. Kathy came along to take pictures for work and to help out with the shoot. We had an amazing day! It was a lot of fun, we got to know each other even better, and had some of the best ice cream in existence. The pictures turned out amazingly!







More of the pictures can be found on my Facebook fan page.

A few days later, I went for an extremely whirlwind trip to Winnipeg. Less than 48 hours. In that time, I met some people, saw my all of my siblings and my mom and dad, and crashed my manager's truck.




I named my new guitar Not Ryan. The story behind that is that at the time, I had the biggest crush ever on a guy named Ryan. When I got the guitar, I just wanted to make sweet love to it. In fact, I started humping the case outside the store. Man, the guitar is amazing. I'm sure that only someone who has truly loved a musical instrument could really understand that. When I got asked what I was going to name the guitar I said, "well, not Ryan because that would be creepy!" Thus, the name Not Ryan stuck.

I didn't take any pictures of the truck crash. In hindsight, maybe I should have. But I was too busy freaking out.

I spent a lot of my time when I got home promoting, writing, and doing all of my music stuff. I also spent a lot of time at the Eatery with great friends.

Rikki and I would go during the day once a week for smoothies and gossip. Jill, Jeff, Kathy and I spent a lot of evenings there also for smoothies and chatter.




(First two pictures by Jill Doucet, Last picture by Jeff McCallum)

I fell into a huge depression right after my trip to Winnipeg. Part of it was exhaustion, part of it was dealing with feelings I didn't know how to cope with.

I took some time off of the music stuff. As much as my passion is music, it had become so much business to me that the passion was starting to wear thin. I also strongly believe that my health comes first, mental or otherwise. If I am not healthy, I am unable to do the things I love. So I declared vacation for the first two weeks of August.

Relaxing is not my strong point. Really, I don't know how to do it. I find myself feeling guilty if I am not doing something productive. But Kathy and Jill helped to make sure I was relaxing and having a good time.

I had to face what I was feeling because over time, it was not going away. In fact, it was only becoming stronger.

I was falling for a woman.

I always thought of myself as open minded, and perhaps a drunken bisexual. Girls were always fun to kiss and experiment while drinking, but once I sobered up, I was back to loving the man. So this really threw me for a loop.

I read a lot. Prayed a lot. I really questioned my faith a lot. I did read in Scientific American Mind about how studies show that animals have higher rates of homosexuality when there are little to no partners available of the opposite sex. I also did a lot of soul searching. Was it me latching on to something because I was lonely and wanting to feel love and touch?

I spent a lot of time analyzing and thinking. Feeling and praying. Talking with people I trusted.

I learned a lot about love and labels. Sometimes, it's about a person. And this person is amazing.

I went to Kimball Lake camping for a few days. It was exactly what I needed to clear my mind and gain some perspective. The solitude was refreshing. I spent a lot of time hiking and looking at the stars. I even mastered starting campfires.

The summer ended in a warm glow. At this point, I will confirm that I am in a relationship with a woman. I still do not consider myself a lesbian. This is about her and not her body parts.

I debated on whether or not to tell my parents. I was petrified of my brother finding out. Turns out they already suspected, but a couple days ago, I did talk to them and confirm what they had heard through the grapevine. Everything is fine, and they are supportive and accepting, which was really great to hear, especially as I'm sure that dating a girl in a small town will be enough of a challenge.

There is definitely a learning curve, but I find it to be the same kind of learning curves you find when starting a heterosexual relationship. I don't know why I was so scared this would be so different, but I was. And I'm finding that it's just like every other relationship I've been in, and I'm sure everybody else has been in.

Now, with the summer gone and September here, it is time for me to prepare for my trip home. I will be going home to Winnipeg for two weeks, and it's not without a lot of mixed feelings. It will be great to be with family and friends. Not so great to be surrounded in noise. I will miss the starry skies of Meadow Lake for sure.

(Just want to please ask that if you do want to comment and you can identify the woman I'm in a relationship with, please don't post her name in the comments. It's just a privacy thing. Thanks!)

Camping was great. Really it was. It was great to be by myself for awhile. It was great to spend some quality time with KK. I had some cell service out there which was both a blessing and a curse.

So KK and J have been at odds for a few days. Really, it was no biggie to start. Lol, they're best friends, practically sisters and they live together. I would be full of crap if I said that there has never been drama between me and Steveo or me and Sana. Heck, I want to strangle one or both of them on a regular basis. But no one can deny how much we love each other.

I am very good friends with both KK and J. Naturally, I've been closer to KK for longer, but over the past few weeks, J and I have become very close. It's been great.

So when they had a disagreement earlier this week, naturally, I listened to both of them and tried my best to say something right. I don't like seeing my friends upset.

Over the camping trip, KK and I became a lot closer, changing the dynamics of the relationship between the three of us.

So it seems the odds are worse now. I feel so caught in the middle. I want to be a support for both of them, but it seems that everything I say is now being used as ammunition in further arguments. I am trying to offer insight as to why the other person is feeling the way that they are feeling.

No, I really don't think it's fair that J has been left with no outlet to sort out what is going on in her head right now.

Yes, I know that KK is going through some major stuff right now and is scared and confused.

I need an impartial mediator and a bottle of tequila.

I am used to feeling like the third wheel when hanging out with the two of them. Now I'm being strangled in the middle of the two of them, feeling like the one to blame for all of this.

KK swears it's not me, but I've been here before. I feel like with every breath, I am only driving the wedge in further.

So I try to back off and stay out of it, but I can't stand to see them upset.

Tonight was my night off to spend with KK. I didn't realize that J's husband was working tonight. If I had known that, I would have just decided to have a smoothie date or something so that the three of us could sit and hash out and giggle about the last week and how crazy it's been.

So now, it seems that things have worsened. Now I work for 6 days straight.

It's not all just about the drama between two of my closest friends. I have my own stuff going on too. All this stuff that I really need to sort out and figure out.

Man, I would give anything to have my sister and/or Steveo here with me. I would love to have my Katie right now. Yeah, I can chat with them, but man, I would give anything to be able to just go cry in their arms for awhile and try to figure all this stuff out.

I know that in time, this will work out. I hope that J can talk to Katie. I know they don't really know each other, but it's an outlet, and I gave J the best I have for that kind of stuff.

I guess we all just need some time to adjust. All I can hope for is that our friendships become stronger from this.

I have to admit
That I like when my name
Is on the tip of everybody's lips
Good or bad
People just can't get me out of their heads

I know I'm a little bit strange
But it works better for everybody that way
Love me or hate me
They wouldn't be talking if they didn't find me interesting

Maybe I'm promiscuous
Because I dance suggestively
And make their men want me
Maybe I'm really dumb
Because I'm into clothes and shoes
And oh my gawd makeup

I believe in the sanctity of marriage
Even if you're gay
Maybe that makes me a lesbian
I believe in pro choice
I have no right to choose
What other people do with their bodies
Maybe that makes me a child hater

And through all this
I believe in God
I believe that He is the only judge
I know who I am
I don't require your approval
I only require His

I speak in illusion and rhyme
Because my demons are eating me alive
I watch myself self destruct
I can't cope with this repression inside of me
I know that something is begging to come out
Almost like I'm bursting at the seams
But I can't face this
No, I just can't take it
So I medicate with cheap booze and cigarettes
Hoping it will kill it all away

I question my faith
I question my morals
Everything I thought I knew about myself
No longer seems to fit

I struggle to articulate
Instead I spew out philosophical nonsense
What lies between neverland and forever?
What about right at this very moment?
Does fate really exist?
Where does free will take over?
I need someone to listen
I need something to validate  this
Make it okay
Make it make sense

I dance around the subject
Pretend like no one sees it
I have always been the blunt one
Never sugar coating anything
Now I'm sending people into poetic abyss
Saying exactly what is on my mind
Knowing by the time they finish
Pondering the metaphor
They've already forgotten the question

Early in our lives, we catch on quickly to what is expected not only from us, but from others as well. Grow up with a mom and a dad. Got to school. Get married. Have babies. Let them grow up to repeat this cycle.

Corporations spend billions of dollars to tell us what to wear, what to eat, who our public idols will be.

Television tells us who we fall in love with.

And I know that even as I write this, someone will read this and be protesting. Someone will try to tell me that they are not stupid enough to just fall into what society wants from them.

But still ingrained in our heads is this obsession with what we think should be.

Ultimately, it is this system that we are preprogrammed to believe in and strive for that sets us up to fail.

Maybe it's the fact that my life has always fallen outside of the norm that makes it easier for me to embrace this concept.

Easier, but not easy. I struggle a lot with being labeled anything at all, and lots of people are quick to label me a freak.

But then, I think dancing and breaking out into random song shouldn't need to be reserved for drinking. I think that this system of "freedom" we have going for us is seriously flawed.

Could we possibly live without labels? What would life be like without them? Would we be lost or would we experience freedom in a whole new way?

We convince ourselves that we are straight, gay or bi but forget that love isn't about gender, love knows no boundaries. Sometimes love is in really unexpected places. But if you're so busy with labels and preconceived notions, you're never going to see it sitting right there in front of you.

Sometimes, it's just time to look around you and maybe concentrate a little less on what you thought should be and just open your eyes and see what is.

It's probably beautiful, and definitely worth a shot.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been down. Don't know why. This last week, I have been feeling dead inside again. I haven't felt like for a very long time. That Guy has been haunting my mind and my dreams again. I've been having nightmares of losing my close friends, especially my newer close friends. I feel a lot of insecurity, especially with them because I don't have the roots and the foundation with them like I do with S or C.

My friendships almost always work like this: We are super tight, have a lot in common. Stuff is confided. We do all the stuff that friends do. Then there is a blowout. Something or maybe even nothing. But there is a blowout and the friendship is over. As soon as it began. Like Madonna and her besties. She always seems to have a new one. I have seen this pattern and I am trying really hard to stop it. They swear they will stand by me. I slowly give them my trust and learn to have more faith in myself.

The last couple days have been pure hell on the inside. Probably a mixture of a lot of things. Today, I had a meltdown. I am not quite at the point in my friendship with KK where I can just bawl in front of her, although she did see a couple tears today. The world was ending and I didn't know why. The thought of getting out of bed was overwhelming.

I was starting to learn some discretion when talking about certain controversial/inappropriate subjects in certain places. The last couple of weeks, my give a damn has been busted as has my censor button.

The final breaking point was something really stupid. I was already really shakey, but didn't want to admit it. I didn't know what was wrong. I called KK and she said that J was going to the lake and she was just going to chill by herself.

I don't know what it was. But at that point something just snapped inside. I know she knew it although I would not admit it. She kept on talking but at that point, I had already mentally checked out. She got called to go deal with something and there I was. Gone.

In a daze I decide to go to my thinkey place. I try to gain my focus. Try to figure out what has been so wrong that I can't shake this. I can't fix what I don't know is broken, and I'm sick of feeling this.

KK called me. I have no idea what I said to her. I was so out of it. She came to get me. She deescalated me enough that I could finally carry a conversation.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Friendships, insecurity, love, work, dreams. By the time I had to go to work, I did feel a little bit better, although I knew that stuff wouldn't sink in until later.

Something that she said that meant a lot to me was that it was a special talent being able to put my feelings into words and songs. It really touched me to hear that.

Suddenly in the middle of supper rush it dawned on me. I suddenly remember me and Renee talking on MSN a year ago discussing how when we were 30 we were going to rock the world. We were going to be strong, confident, successful women. The light went off. I was suddenly inspired.

F*ck mediocrity. I have always wanted more for my life. But here I am settling. It's not about Meadow Lake vs Winnipeg. It's not about Subway. Really, awesomeness or mediocrity can happen anywhere. At any job.

I did not pack up my stuff and take off for no reason. It was because I wanted more for my life. Somewhere deep down inside, I knew that I was awesome and that I deserved more. I deserved the chance to work for my dreams. I have not spent the last year out here fighting off my demons only to let them come back.

The last couple of weeks have been slowly destroying what I have worked so hard for. And there is was. The root of the problem. I was losing the control I fought so hard to get back. However, this time, it was fear and insecurity, Crazy Sarah if you will taking the control away from me.

It's time to take charge. I am awesome. I really, really am. I am talented, beautiful, a hard worker, fiercely intelligent, funny as heck, and once you have me as a friend, you have me.

The other thing that KK said to me that made my day was about S. So much stuff has been happening, I have been wondering what the heck has happened to our friendship. Was it time to walk? KK just smiled and told me that she knew that I could never walk away from S.

She's right. No matter how angry, worried, or hurt I am right now, I know that this is a transition and I will not walk on him.

My friends are amazing. I am lucky to have them. They are also awesome, but I think they doubt themselves just as much, if not more than me.

They tell me I'm awesome. I tell them they are awesome. I know that they would never lie to me about anything like that. If I wasn't awesome, we wouldn't be friends. I associate with people who are not awesome.

I hit the bottom today. It's time to start digging myself out. Man, am I ever thankful that someone was there to catch my fall.

I have this weird dream that Kath Kath got pregnant. In this dream, she decides to tell me before she tells Jilly because she's not wasn't sure how Jilly will react. I am trying to figure out who the father is when my alarm goes off. (grrr lol) The dream amuses me, and I am curious as to who the father was, but other than that, don't think much of it. I always get lots of baby dreams when I'm PMS-ing. It's like meh, whatever. I go about my day. Sing at a wedding.

I have a great night with Jilly and Kath Kath. Had some great laughs, ate bannock pizza, I even played guitar in front of them. o_O

I am in an odd mood. Needing to cry and scream and fight. Feeling this negative energy that I just can't shake. But my friends are there to take my mind off of things and to console me. It's nice to know. I am burning out and trying some how to keep a grip on things. I desperately need the house to myself for awhile, but apparently, I am the only one who likes to leave it once in awhile.

Anyways, Kathy drives me home. It's a nice drive, yet I am on pins and needles as I tell her some of the stuff that is on my mind. I know she will not judge me, yet I fear it anyways. It always works the same, I confide some big thing, and then I feel all insecure and moody and crappy. She puts up with it. She's a good friend.

I come into the house. I notice that the bathroom light isn't on. Strange because Shirley usually leaves it on. Meh, whatever, she probably forgot. I take my shoes off and head towards the bathroom. I notice that the door is closed. I shine my flashlight and see that the bathroom light is not on. Okay, so maybe someone went number two and just left the door closed as to not stink up the house.

I open the door and in the faint light I see a pile of what appears to be towels or something in the bathtub. I shine my flashlight to see why there are towels in the bathtub.

The towels turn out to be blankets. Suddenly I see a face. A baby.

I gasp, jump up startled (as if the baby is gonna jump up and bite me or something) and run out of the bathroom.

I run outside and call Kathy. No answer. She probably has her phone on vibrate again.

I take a deep breath. The baby probably came from the wedding. There are probably parents passed out on our couches who were too drunk to drive or something like that.

I go inside and shine my flashlight into my living room. Nobody on the couches. Where the heck are the parents? They better not be in my bed. I check my bedroom. The only thing in my bed is Not Ryan. I take my guitar off the bed and put it in my closet.

I hear a voice. Shirley asking me if I was at Twisted. I stammer. "There's a baby in the bathtub." She bursts out laughing. "Yeah, Alexis said that your reaction was going to be priceless. She's gonna be sad she missed this."

So I tell her that I was not at Twisted, I was with Jilly and Kath Kath. The phone rings. It's Kathy calling me back.

"There's a baby in the bathtub."

"A what?"

"A baby. Like, have sex, 9 months later it pops out... like a baby baby."

"What? Why? In the bathtub? What?"

At this point, Shirley is howling. Kathy is laughing. I am laughing.

Shirley finally explains. It's the bride and the groom's daughter. They didn't have a baby sitter. So Shirley agreed to take the baby. The baby is in the bathtub because the bathroom is the only room in the house that has a door that shuts. We have two cats and we didn't want the cats to hurt her or fall asleep on her face or something. Makes sense.

So no turning the light on and no flushing the toilet. Okay. Got it.

I finally go pee. I leave the bathroom and try to locate both cats. Spice is on Shirley's bed. I take the flashlight and look around the house. No Flick. I open the bathroom door and Flick runs out. I guess it's a good thing I went looking for the cats.

I go to my room and go to my computer. I am bored and looking for something interesting and different. Kind of a blah mood, but whatever. Kendra has a Facebook status mentioning how she misses her status lines from when she was pregnant. Yeah, they were awesome. I looked forward to reading them every day because they were just so damn funny.

I decide to use my StumbleUpon toolbar to look at random videos. I find a video about women who have orgasms while giving birth. This of course intrigued me. Like come on, how could this possibly not be interesting? (The video can be found here.

I do some research about that. Definitely worth keeping in mind if I ever decide to have kids.

I decide to call it a night and go read for awhile. I only read a couple of pages before turning off the light and drifting to sleep.

I awake to this strange sound. It sounds like an alarm. It's not stopping. Who has their alarm set? I thought I was the only one working today. What the heck is that... oh wait. That's a baby crying. Huh. I roll over and cover my head with my pillow.

It dawns on me. It seems that a few hours ago, I was thinking that maybe, just maybe one day I would be in a position to have kids. Then I heard the baby crying and realized how much I love sleep.

I roll over to go back to sleep.

Soon the baby cries again. The crying goes on for awhile. I debate getting up, but I am so tired I can't even really move. So I lay there. What the heck would I do anyways? Seriously? How does it work. Like yeah, maybe I could pick it up, but what do I do after that? Not a clue. I roll back over and try to sleep.

Shirley starts yelling at Alexis and I that she needs help with the baby and how could we just lay there and let a baby cry blah blah blah.

In all fairness, I didn't exactly volunteer for this. But whatever. Alexis gets up. I am a very very selfish person to just not do anything and not help with the baby.

My sour moody mood continues all day. I go and cry at my thinkey place. Jilly and Kath Kath come rescue me from my thoughts. I really need to forget that I am throwing myself into a train wreck right now. I have some good laughs with them and then I go to work.

I tell my co workers this story and they think that I mean that the whole thing is a dream.

The part where my stable 27 year old friend gets pregnant is the only part of this that was a dream. The rest of it all really happened.