The Quest For Me

Throughout life, various people warn us that people will be cruel, life is hard and that we just need to toughen up.

I've struggled a lot with this. I really do want to believe the best about everybody. I want to see the good in the world.

I believe so strongly in positive reinforcement and making people feel good about themselves.

But, I am also opinionated, honest, and sarcastic.

As you can imagine, these two sides often collide.

So here I am getting a music business off the ground. I am not naive enough to think that it's all going to go nicely and smoothly and because I have a personality and a great voice someone will surely sign me to a major label where I will make tons of money and get lots and lots of fans and be loved by everybody.

I really wouldn't want it that way either.

I am however, fortunate to have people who really do believe in me. They keep me believing even when it's really hard to.

But I also piss a lot of people off.

I am a loudmouthed, opinionated woman who believes in gay marriage, abortion and Jesus. I am open about my sexuality and not about to shut up just because someone doesn't like it.

I know that this makes a lot of people uncomfortable. So I have now started to kind of tone down how I go about voicing my beliefs and opinions.

I am not a conformist, however I need people to take me and my music seriously. It's a fine line that takes some time to get used to.

I usually explain it as such:

Yes, I still consider myself to be Goth. Very much so. Goths consider themselves to be against conformity. I do love my black hair and piercings. I miss my spike collar and black clothes. But they are not required to be Goth. Non conformity means that I don't necessarily need to conform to other Goths as well. The time came in my life as it does in everybody else's where it was time to grow up and get a real job. Being taken seriously in my career is more important to me than the metal in my mouth. You still find elements of Goth style in my wardrobe, but it's not the first thing that consumes you when you see me.

I have pissed a lot of people off in my lifetime.

Every time I piss somebody off, it makes me think. Why are they pissed off? Did I do something wrong? Do I stand by my words/actions? Should I be?

My writing is often under scrutiny. I don't sugar coat, and I don't hide.

Exapmples:

My blog post the day after Women's Day a year ago. A man had called the radio station angry over something to do with the news. I had pressed the wrong button when trying to put the news through, and as much as program directors like to pretend that nobody ever makes mistakes, people do. The man was outraged with my mistake and proceeded to tell me that this is the kind of failure that happens as a result of allowing women on the radio. I was downright offended. I was courteous to him on the phone, as that was the position I had to be in. I invited him to contact my (male) boss if he had any complaints with the way I was working.

I was so offended by the way I was treated, and knew that this attitude was the very attitude that women have been fighting against. So I wrote about this experience in my blog. I did not mention names or times as much as I would have loved to publish that guy's phone number.

I got called into the office and told that the blog was inappropriate and needed to be removed at once. Especially seeing as this blog post had sparked quite the discussion both online and off.

The more I think about it, the more I regret removing that blog. I still stand my what I wrote. I still think I went about it in a decent manner. I believe that this was a case of I pissed people off, but I believe in what I wrote, so whatever.

Last year with That Guy. I had to really think about what I wrote and how I did it and whether or not I stood by it. I had written a series of blog posts about self discovery, about him, about my broken heart, about my anger and resentment, etc. I had used his full name in these posts. When he called me on my actions, I had to really really think about it. The evil in me wanted him to hurt as much as I did, but that didn't make it right. But I did still stand by a lot of what I wrote. In this case, what was right for me was to post a public apology and remove his name from my blog. He is now referred to as That Guy. Since this incident I don't post a whole lot of names anymore.

This process has become easier in the last few years.

Now with everything going on in my music career, I've really been taking the time to think about my words. I need to know that I stand by my words, my actions, my opinions, etc. Not that I didn't need any of that before, I'm just thinking that when controversy happens, I need to know how I will handle it. And controversy will happen. I'm not gonna let something like a sex tape or an abortion joke ruin my career.

It came in the form of a wall post. I can't say I saw it coming. It was something I posted to be funny. Someone took offense.

My original plan of action was to apologize for offending (NOT for what I wrote). It wasn't my intention, and I really didn't want to start drama over something like a vague comment.

However, before I got the chance to apologize, she started to send threatening text messages to my phone. How she got my number, I don't know for sure. I log on to Facebook to find that she has also sent several messages threatening me and generally harassing me. And she has commented on stuff on my page with general immature crap.

So any thoughts of apologizing are gone. I blocked her on Facebook. She continues to text message me sending me stupid messages for the next few days. She did mention that I was retarded for blocking her on Facebook because she still had my phone number.

I finally get back home from my trip to find that she has opened a YouTube account (69hottiebabe so that must mean she is both superior and hot) solely for the purpose of commenting on all my videos.

All I could say was "You open a YouTube account so you can comment on all my videos and I'm supposed to be offended?"

It seems to have stopped now. Who knows?

I guess my point is that I am learning how to deal with difficult people and crazy people. I suppose it's only going to get worse. Who knows what will happen when I piss somebody off over something worth getting angry about? At least I seem to be able to start small here. But I know that how I handle this situation will probably dictate how I will handle similar situations on the future.

I need someone to confide in right now, and I have nowhere else to turn, so I'm confiding in you.

I don't know how to handle things. I don't know where to start. Everything seems to be the problem, so it must be me.

I feel guilty and selfish and lazy when I know that I shouldn't. Everything is running through my mind. There is no escape. I'm heading for a breakdown, I know it, and I cannot do it again. I do not have the time or the resources to have another breakdown.

This dream feels possible. It feels within reach. I know that if I keep pushing, something is going to happen. I can feel it. My manager can feel it. The people around me can feel it.

Yet, if I acknowledge those feelings, I feel like I am being full of myself.

I feel ashamed to tell people that I am working at Subway while I get my music career off the ground. In fact, I avoid the subject all together. Not because I don't want to talk about it. Man, I wish I could. I am getting to do some cool stuff that I like to think that a lot of people might find interesting.

It just feels weird.

Today, I had an awesome morning. I got to go for coffee with Debbie and Terri. Debbie is leaving Extra Foods, and that really sucks because she is super awesome. She really was an amazing supervisor. Rikki and Ryan were working, so I got to go for break with them afterward. That was really cool. Rikki is so awesome, and Ryan is someone I would like to get to know better. He seems really cool. I like it when we do get to hang out. I got to see Miranda for a bit, got to catch up with Judy a bit, it was just kind of cool.

While with Rikki and Ryan, there was so much cool stuff I wish I could say but was afraid to. I don't know why. I know Rikki wouldn't judge me, and I don't think Ryan would either. But if it's not them, it's someone else I have the same fear about. I was ashamed to be super excited for a photo shoot I'm doing on Wednesday.

Much in the same way I don't want to admit that I'm a musician. I pretend like my YouTube videos are lame, my Facebook fan page is a joke, and I spend all my time on the internet because I have nothing better to do.

I'm slowly starting to let go of some of that, but still am really having a hard time with it. I guess I just really fear the "starving artist" stereotype. Or the role in the movies of the lame ass musician who is "gonna make it big" yet he sucks so badly that it's highly unlikely.

Except I know that I am damn good at this. I know it's meant to be.

So I must be delusional or something. Definitely full of myself.

I call myself stupid when I know that I am smart.

I call myself a whore way too much when I know that I am not.

I apologize entirely way too much for everything. And I really am sorry. And I shouldn't be.

In reality, here I am working 6 days a week. 8-10 hour shifts. This weekend, I put in 11 hours both days. (and still got up at 9 this morning for coffee) I come home from Subway and do research, marketing, writing... all of my music related stuff.

I have not had a day off in I have no idea how long. I get days off here and there from Subway, and I spend all of those doing my music stuff. I have to get this business plan done so that we have a sense of direction, a sense of something.

I feel like I am working so hard, and I am so tired. I really, really want a day to myself. I don't talk about it. People at work tell me how tired they are, and really, I know we all are. We are all working long days, several days in a row. I understand that.

It's been a few times now where a co worker will mention how tired they are and how much they need a day off. Usually my response is, "yeah, I know. I could so use one too." Their response is always the same. Yeah it's so hard with kids/grandkids. What do I have to be tired about?

This morning on Twitter I made a joke about how I was up at such an ungodly hour (because I was up at 9) and the only reason I was willing to do so was for coffee. It was mostly a joke, but I worked until 2 in the morning, and came home and had to respond to emails before I could go to sleep. And really, who walks in the door from work and goes to sleep?

I need to decompress and I'm not even doing that right.

But anyways, someone made the comment, that I wasn't even up that early. Of course, I'm an hour behind them which they did not take into account. Someone else mentioned that they get up early so they can get the good equipment at the gym. Shoot, that reminds me that I need to start going to the gym so that maybe one day I won't be a singing beached whale.

And then here goes... oh try getting up super early with two young kids.

Okay you know what. I fucking get it. I know kids are fucking hard. That's why I don't have any. But this is total bullshit the whole attitude that I have no idea what hard work is because I don't have children.

Most of the parents I know are on Facebook all day while their kids watch TV. The others are out drinking while their parents take care of their kids.

If I even try to mention that I have two fulltime jobs... and BOTH I work more than 40 hours a week at, they they feel the need to one up me or undermine me. Today, I was on my feet for 11 hours straight. Oh, but I also have the 8 hour office split shift thing going on.

And I shouldn't be so resentful, but I guess this just brings fear in me.

I want so badly to one day get married and have kids. It's just never going to happen. Don't feed me this "you'll find that someone special" bullshit. Not only do I know that you're chastising me, but I don't even have time to meet someone, let alone decide to marry him and have kids with him.

But everyone else seems to do it. They have careers and spouses and kids and not only their "entitled" time to themselves but their "entitled" time to go out with their friends.

I must be just terrible at managing time. Or really immature. The attitude I usually get is that I'm immature.

But right now, this is just how things are because I can't figure out a better way to do it. My manager tells me that this is my vacation time. Sadly, I know she's right.

How can I not be able to handle something I want so badly?

And yet I know that I need some time to myself. I got a week off of work because I could not stop puking. I am positive that the only reason I got that sick was from exhaustion. So what did I do on my week off? Honestly?

I spent the first 2 days sleeping. Seriously, I slept for almost 48 hours. Every time I'd wake up, I'd check my email. I was sitting there at my computer emailing and researching and well, working. I would work as long as I could keep awake and go back to sleep.

I felt guilty for not working hard enough. What the hell is wrong with me?

On my one day off a week I get from Subway I really put everything I have into the music stuff. And then feel guilty because I did not do any housework or help my landlord/roommate with all of this stuff in this house that needs to get done. Because she's super overwhelmed with all of her stuff. I am the best friend I can be to my close friends. Yet I feel like I am not doing enough, and that my shit is nothing they need to be bothered with. When I am dealing with something, usually I know exactly which of my friends I wish I could go to, but then why burden them when they are dealing with all of their crap?

I need to decompress. The only way I can do that is to have the house to myself. I wish I could afford to live on my own. That would make me a very sane person.

I need time to myself. I don't even know what to do with time for myself. But I know I need it.

I want to go out with my friends and get absolutely shitfaced and dance and sing karaoke all night. Because right now I can't stop crying because I know something's got to give.

My roommate's been dying to go and show me Buffalo Narrows. And I really want to see the place. It's supposed to be just beautiful. But everytime one or both of us has a couple days off, something happens and we can't do it.

Of course at this point with zero time to myself to regroup, I'm pretty much at the point where I want to rip my roommate's face right off.

They say it's lonely at the top. I'm very sure that's true. Right now, I feel pretty low, and it's really lonely there too. I need to be alone, yet I am so lonely. God I'm pathetic.

And then through all of this, I'm convinced that I'm just crazy, lazy and stupid. It's all in my head and all of this is just some pathetic sob story. That and I'm a whiny bitch.

It is now almost 4 in the morning. I've been up since 9. Oh, I guess the time it took to write this qualified as time to myself. Shit... that was all the time I had for this two weeks.

The clouds were dark as I walked to Sev to get a phone card. The wind was strong, but not cold. I put on my headphones as I usually do and immersed myself in the sounds of music.

I walked into Sev and got my phone card and a corn dog and headed back out. The wind seemed to be even meaner, the clouds just black. When all of a sudden there was a huge clap of thunder. At this point, I could see the few people out walking hurrying to get to wherever it was they were going. Me, I was lost in my own world daydreaming and excited about things to come, happy about an exchange of emails that has been going on for a few days now.

I could feel the first few drops. Big wet splashes on my skin. I knew that the sky would soon let loose and I would be soaked. I kept my pace, kept in my own world.

Another clap of thunder, a bolt of lightning and the rain came down like a shower. It was so beautiful. Big, juicy, warm drops. It didn't take long before I was soaked through and through.

Keeping my stride, I immersed myself in my music and enjoyed the feeling of the rain washing me clean.

I felt so sexy, so sensual listening to Garbage soaking wet while the sky unleashed its fury on me.

I got back home and put my iPod and purse in the house and went outside and danced in the rain. There I was in the middle of the street spinning, dancing, feeling beautiful and sexy and desirable. Like my worries and doubts were being washed clean. My skin felt so soft.

I've always dreamed of a "Notebook" kiss. How amazing it could have been. But alas, the only guy I want to kiss was nowhere near me. I don't know whether or not he wants to kiss me, but at that moment in particular I was feeling so free and fearless that I would have kissed him anyways.

I wish I could have stayed out in the rain until it stopped, but I had to go inside and dry off and get changed for work.

But it was so wonderful while it lasted.

My skin and hair still feels so soft and amazing.

I still hope I get my "Notebook" kiss one day.

So things seem to be moving very fast for me as I establish my career. Feels weird to think about the fact that all of this that I am doing is climbing the career ladder and establishing myself.

Maybe it's not looking like much to the outsiders. But here in my corner, I research, I market, I have a clear cut path. Maybe not so clear, but it's a path nevertheless.

Strange how it seems to become more and more obvious to me what steps I should be taking.

Things are starting to move on a level that others can see, it's just they don't see a lot. But a buzz seems to be starting.

I worry because I have my good friends and my sister working for me now. I really don't want my relationships with these people to go sour.

I worry that friendship will get in the way of me essentially being their boss. I had to send out an email tonight telling them what needs to be done and stuff. It just feels weird to me, but I know what I want and need from them. I'm just scared that they will reject this position of authority, where I must take on a role I am not familiar with.

I sometimes wonder if people are wanting to be friends with me now because there is a buzz around me, or if that's just me being self absorbed and/or paranoid.

I know who my real friends are. I have no doubts of that.

I do really fear what Steveo's reaction to all of this will be.

All the while, I am slowly, but surely solidifying my spot in the music world.

I guess I just didn't know that this would feel so normal. I'm feeling a little gypped. I kind of hoped for a big flashing sign, or some other definitive way to mark this transition.

I don't want to be a diva. I don't want to have the "mandatory" blowout between me and my manager where I end up firing her for embezzlement or something similar.

Does this change people's attitudes about me? For example, will I have exes who were once glad to be rid of me start to regret breaking up solely because of my position?

Will ex friends and people I went to high school with feel stupid for calling me a freak?

Will guys I like be a little freaked out about my rising stardom or will they decide to go out with me not because they actually like me back, but because they are hoping to cash in?

I feel old. Yes, I know, I know. This sounds so weird. But I'm just establishing my career now. I do really want to get married and have kids one day, but I don't want to be popping out kids when I'm 40. I still worry that there just won't be enough time to do it all. *sigh*

And how the heck can things be moving so slow and so fast at the same time?

So I came home from work last night so tired I couldn't sleep. Finally fell asleep around 5.

I got a message on Facebook that made me really happy.

People were up here at like 7:30 and couldn't even be bothered to pretend to be quiet. Whatever, I managed to toss and turn and get some sleep though that. Then at fucking 9:30 I am rudely awakened to the sound of my room mate singing opera (poorly) at the top of her lungs.

Nice. Real nice. You know, I'm pretty decent when I come home from work at 1 or 2 in the morning. I may not bother anymore.

Of course she doesn't stop. She just keeps on going on. So I decide to get the heck out of bed and go to the bathroom. She's in the bathtub continuing to sing/scream/wail not sure what. So I say, "I take it you're enjoying your bath."

Go back to my room where the stupid fucking curtain comes off the door. Because we still have no shower, no washing machine, no kitchen sink, no doors...

I try to get the curtain back on. It doesn't come on, so I just rip the other end off the wall, go back to bed and try to sleep.

The singing then stops and starts several times. Like it would stop long enough for me to start drifting off, and then it would start and abruptly wake me up again.

This goes on until finally my room mates leave for Lloyd. A trip I would be going on if I had the luxury of having a life.

Of course by then, I couldn't fall back asleep.

I call my friend because we were supposed to hang out. She's busy with something, but will call back in a few minutes. An hour later she calls back to say she'll call in an hour. It's been 4 and I have to go to work right away.

Work. Grrrr. Stupid short staffed bullshit. And staff who get to dictate when they do and don't work. It's bullshit. So we are short staffed for tonight. And then tomorrow I have to close with someone who has never worked the night shift and doesn't know how to close. On a Sunday. Sundays are already busy, but then it's the end of rodeo weekend, which means everyone will be grabbing subs on their way out of town.

I shouldn't be so upset. I called my friend to see if she was still busy, and she must be because she didn't answer. I actually stated to cry.

So it's probably because I'm tired, hungry and PMSing. But still. I actually cried?

I know she was legitimately busy. It's just how things go in that kind of career.

I uploaded some karaoke covers. I had fun with those. I think they sound like crap.

I am just down on myself today and it kinda sucks.

I feel like I need something. I just don't know what it is.

Stupid bad opera singing ruined a really good dream about a guy I like. Grrrr. So of course, I cried over that too.

Ugh, I so wanted to talk to a friend about it. It's not really something I can post to my blog without looking like a psycho.

What song do you want to hear me perform live?
	Bleeding Rose (Jeff's Song)
	Can't Shut Me Up
	Suicide Lullaby
	I Want A Man
	The January Man
	The Dark Side
pollcode.com free polls

I tend to drive myself crazy. My world is spinning and going to hell, but it's not like I'm gonna tell anybody.

It's not that I don't want to let out all of this pain and frustration. I really do.

Some days the smile I wear is so fake.

There is this rage inside of me. I fear what will happen if I let it out.

Of course I'm angry and upset about what happened. But really it's been an entire lifetime of crap like this. Bullshit abuse. Bullshit excuses. People living my life for me.

I think that is why I am so upset about these recent events. Because I finally took back my life. I moved to start anew and face the demons that would keep me running into yet another douchebag's arms. I clean up my life. I finally start to be someone I am not ashamed of being. I take ME back.

And then this crap.

I want it to be over, but it can't be over because I can't feel it. Every time I try to cry, or scream or am otherwise just not my bubbly self, someone has something to say about how I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. Or my tears are just letting these people win. God forbid that I actually feel something other than "OMG shiney object!!!! Yay!!!"

Guy always asking if I'm still messed up. Counselor asking me to talk about my "feelings".

I don't want to talk about them. I just want to feel them. And I can't even feel them.

I am in go go go fighting to make something happen here. My music seems to be moving forward, but it takes a lot of work. If it was just singing and writing, I'm sure I'd be fine. But the marketing, the pushing, the getting over my shyness. It's not easy for me to randomly ask people to check out my videos. It's even harder for me to ask my friends to check out my videos.

I have the June 11th show coming up... I don't know what to do. I haven't even had time to practice. I can't even play my guitar in front of my friends... how will I do this at a live show in front of the whole town? Well at least Kathy and Jill and my other friends will be there.

I work 6 days a week at Subway. I never get the house to myself.

I feel like I am being held together with Scotch tape, and I just need some space and a few days to decompress. And of course, I know that the longer I go without doing it, the more time I will need to chill out.

And if I try to express that need, then I am crazy, lazy, or just plain stupid.

Meanwhile the pressure keeps mounting and if I don't get to take some time soon, I am afraid of what I will do.

I have horrible visions of myself going into Twisted and pulling a Carrie on these guys. Or maybe they are beautiful fantasies. I have yet to figure it all out.

The dreams of That Guy started again a couple weeks ago. The other night I fought back the urge to message him to ask how he's been. I have also been having nightmares of the Dynamic Duo.

I am so close to being locked away in an insane asylum. Of course, if that happens, I'm sure that I'll just be letting those two douchebags win.

I feel like I've spent most of my life extremely lost. Knowing that I had the intelligence and the personality to do whatever I chose to do. I could be anything, anyone, and no matter what I chose to focus my attention on, I would probably do very well at.

But alas, my spastic self! My short attention span. A wide variety of interests, but nothing that I felt the need to commit to. Although in my lifetime, I still would like to get a Masters or Ph.D in something really smart.

I was not the cool girl in school. Not even cool amongst my own. Read: I was even considered uncool by the choir geeks.

I wasn't the girl who got the solos in choir, the parts in the high school musical, or even got recognized for any amount of talent. But I was still convinced that I was good enough to one day be a singer.

To this day, I am still convinced that my mom hates my career choice. Although it's quite possible that a lot of it is my own delusion. After all, I have the brains to do something really amazing like be a scientist or a lawyer or a psychologist or even a computer programmer. (All of those career choices being interesting to me.)

When I was 13, I started to teach myself how to play the guitar on my daddy's old electric. I got some help from a beginners guitar book and the internet. I wanted to learn an instrument that I could use to accompany myself with, seeing as I was already writing songs. I played the flute, but it is very difficult to play flute and sing at the same time.

That year for Christmas and my birthday, I got my very first acoustic guitar. It was beautiful and I love it so much. The guitar became my best friend. My comfort in the coming years of great difficulty.

The years went by and I wrote many songs, played a lot of guitar and met some really cool people. Brad was a dude who worked in the group home. He was big, bald and looked like a biker, but was a loving and gentle person. He was also an amazing guitarist, and I always looked forward to the days when he would bring in his beautiful electric acoustic guitar and his effects pedal. Man, I would give anything to work with that guy and to chat with him again. I wish he could see me now.

I turned 18. Became a legal adult. Started to do karaoke. Learned that I was actually pretty good at it. I sold my guitar because the guy I was madly in love with at the time told me that I wasn't really any good at it.

Over the next few years, I focused on becoming good at karaoke. I made excuses as to why I was not good enough to continue to write and sing my own creations. The innocence I had as a child, the belief I could do anything slowly disappeared.

I became good at karaoke, and started entering contests. I lost most of them. The only karaoke contest that I've even won was the Gimli Bud Light Country Talent Search a couple years ago, and I lost miserably when I got to the city finals.

I thought that it meant that I wasn't even good enough to imitate what was already out there. How could I ever do my own stuff?

People would stop me at karaoke to tell me that I was a phenomenal singer and that I should really take it seriously. Or maybe get into songwriting. Oh those silly people, they didn't see that the only reason I was doing karaoke was because it was all I had. I wasn't good enough to be a real artist.

Eventually, I would watch everything turn to dust. I would become an observer to my own life, losing all control.

I was given what I felt to be a once in a lifetime opportunity to break free of the rut I was in. And even though reason said not to do it, my instinct said that it was time for me to go.

I knew as soon as I crossed the provincial line that I made the right choice. It seems so long ago, like another lifetime completely. I still remember so vividly watching the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen and then the sky lighting up with more stars than I had ever seen in my lifetime. If there was room in the truck for me to fall to my knees, I think I would have done so.

There was no karaoke up here. Which would mean that I would have to find some other way of coping with life and dealing with the many emotions I had. I turned to blogging about my adventures.

But I would miss singing so much that it would hurt.

Seriously, more than anything else, I missed singing in a way that singing along with the radio didn't help. The pain ate at me and I felt so empty. Nothing made it better. I would pray and pray, but I had to wait for an answer.

One night, my room mate told me that God told her to tell me that I no longer needed to sing. I didn't need karaoke anymore, and that I would be okay. She hated being chosen to be the bearer of such devastating news, because she knew that it would devastate me.

I hated her so much at the time. I prayed to God asking why He would do this. Why would he give me such talent and passion for music, but not mean for me to use it. I needed to know the truth. Did He really intend for me to stop singing or was my room mate just starting stuff?

I sang at her wedding and it felt great to be performing again. I moved out and got my own place. With my own space, it felt safe to pick up my guitar again. The summer previous, I had written a lot of songs because I was going through so much. That Guy sparked so much passion in me that had nowhere else to go but onto paper. I decided to start putting music to it, and put it on YouTube so that I could share it with my brother who was just getting into writing, and the few friends who had always wondered what kind of songs I wrote.

I was shocked when You Don't See Me Like That got such praise. It gave me the courage to post Bleeding Rose (Jeff's Song). That song is still my favorite writing because it was so emotional. It still brings out a lot of emotion in me to sing it. I wonder if I will ever feel that much passion for a man again. I hope so, but with better results next time.

I guess you could say it caught fire from there. I've grown so much as a writer and a musician since that first video. I started to write more and got way way better at playing guitar.

I got happier. Eventually, I started to forget the void that karaoke filled. I realized that the void wasn't from karaoke, but from writing and performing itself.

Now, everything seems to be coming together. Just when I think that it's the end of the road and that I need to get my head out of the clouds and go back to real life, another stepping stone presents itself. I have never felt so sure of myself, and so sure of this guidance that I know is God answering my prayers and questions.

I needed to feel that devastation. That hunger. That need. The emptiness that my life was without music. I needed to figure out that my life could never be complete without it.

I am truly thankful for God's presence in my life.

And I would never want to admit that maybe, just maybe my room mate was not crazy or being a witch, and God did need her to tell me that I didn't need karaoke. But for the last few weeks, I've been pretty sure that God has been telling me that this was indeed His plan, and I need to apologize for my hostility.

And also thank Cristy once again for bringing me up here and showing me where the path was.

I don't know where I am going, I don't know if I'll ever get there, but I know that with His guidance, and the guidance of those who love me, I will be okay.

I've had this strange feeling bubbling in me the last couple of weeks. I couldn't quite figure it out. Swarms and swarms of creative energy. This feeling of something progressing.

Maybe I am full of myself.

Yesterday I watched 9 people subscribe to my videos. Today, there were 5 more. There have been 4 or five a day subscribing. It's been amazing. The other day when I uploaded "A Darker Fantasy" I had 15 views before the video was even done processing.

In my head, I suddenly thought... I wonder if this is what it's like to be a rising star? Is there a feeling? It feels like the pieces are coming together. No the work is not over yet, but it is the push I needed to tell me that this isn't all in vain. I feel this snowball effect... right now it's moving slow enough that I can still see it all, but it is quickly gaining momentum. I feel like I am where I need to be. I feel like there is something big about to happen. I am so excited, yet so nervous.

I feel like every moment I have lived in my life has been leading up to this moment.

I know something huge is coming and I try hard to imagine it. What will it be like?

My job at Subway really sucks, but I stand there making sandwiches and washing dishes knowing that the end may well be coming. People are rude to me, or mean to me, and in the back of my mind I am thinking that one day they will be kicking themselves. They will see me on TV and hear me on the radio and we will all be thinking back to these days.

And I can't explain it.

There was a time when I used the phrase "when I become rich and famous" in the same sense as me blowing smoke out of my ass. Now it seems possible.

But then there is that enemy of mine swooping in for the kill... self doubt. Thinking that I'm only setting myself up for disappointment.

Maybe, but I don't think that self doubt feels this way.

I remember after many a night of karaoke there would be so many people who came up to me and would tell me how wonderful I am, and how talented I am. I would be so excited, it felt so good. I would feel this sense of self confidence. John would tell me that I was getting snotty, and that hey were just drunk or something like that. I learned to feel guilty for thinking that I was good. I would tell him about how I felt like there was something more waiting for me to find it. He would tell me that karaoke was the best that I was gonna get. Maybe if I was lucky, I would one day open for Elvis Fest.

I sometimes think that I am being snotty and thinking that I am simply entitled to this success. Will I do good or evil with it? With great power, comes great responsibility. How will I handle it?

I got recognized a few days ago. Someone came into Subway and when they were paying they said to me, "aren't you that singer?" It was weird. Cool, but weird.

I fear sometimes that I will become a diva. Or cash in on my success in other ways... like I hope that one day That Guy hears my songs on the radio. And all of the people who told me that I'll never make it. The people who tormented me in school and at the group homes. I hope that my voice speaks to them.

Is this a bad thing? I do realize it sounds really, really lame... "You'll be sorry when I'm famous!!!!" I am thankful for my friends who keep me grounded.

Or maybe I'm just crazy.

I have been just dying for a smoke lately. There have been a couple times I have almost bummed one from a co worker.

I have been eating like 3 cookies a day.

I haven't been going to the gym. (But I have been walking.)

It finally dawned on me today.

I have 114 subscribers on YouTube. 80 fans on my fan page. I have professional acts and YouTube promoters checking out my channel... I've only been taking this seriously for a couple of months.

I am feeling good about how I look. I take pride in drinking lots of water and eating a healthy breakfast, and getting in as many fruits and veggies as I can. I've been enjoying the outdoors whenever whether has been permitting.

Next month it will be one year since I have quit smoking...

I know what it is! This is self sabotaging!

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. I seem to struggle more with success than I do with failure.

Maybe it's that I usually expect failure. Maybe.

Why is it so hard for me to sit back and say to myself, "I have worked hard for these successes, I deserve to enjoy them."?

I've been thinking about the yearly tradition where I come up with my goals for myself for the next year. I can't believe it's almost that time again. I can't believe I've been doing this for four years now. This will be my second time doing them in Meadow Lake.

I am happy with what I have accomplished over the last year. This year has been huge for me.

I am my own worst enemy. I must stop myself from destroying what I wanted in the first place.

In the movies, you see the young girl go upstairs into the attic. The attic is dusty and full of cobwebs, but is full of treasures. Among those treasures is a box full of keepsakes. Love letters on faded yellow paper.

The letters contain the hopes, wishes, dreams, words of love.

Oh how I hoped that one day I would grow up and be special enough to someone to get letters like these ones.

There is something so beautiful about "ancient technologies". A warmth that cannot be found today.

I feel like I can read the emotion so much more in a letter hand written in pen than I can in an email. I can't describe it. I know that even if I need to convey deep emotion, ink and paper is the only way for me to do it right.

Maybe it's the same way that records sound better than .mp3's. Film captures a much better picture than SD.

I guess I'm just nostalgic about a time I'm too young to remember. As much as I love the '90's, sometimes I really think that I was born 20 years too late.

I still wonder about the world of dating. It's a strange world that I don't fully understand, but hope to one day experience. Like with the guy I like. (I'll have to come up with a nickname for him... I'm running out of nicknames lol.) Every time I see him, I end up sticking my foot in my mouth, or making an ass of myself in some other way. I stumble and fumble, and put on my best smile trying to look confident, knowing that I am so red in the face that there is no possible way he could think that I am really calm, cool, and collected.

Sometimes being an open book sucks.

But for the most part, it doesn't. It's hard to play games when you're transparent. I enjoy flirting, and with this guy, it feels safe, because I am pretty sure he has no interest in me other than the relationship between a sandwich maker and a sandwich eater.

And there I go hating on myself again. I just don't want to set myself up for disappointment. If I prepare myself for the worst, then I can never be let down. And anything better than nothing is a pleasant surprise.

I'm not sure that that is normal and/or healthy. And that attitude seems to hinder my progress as an artist, but only in a commercial sense, and that's a whole other blog post.

The world has gone cyber. The world revolves around the internet. While until the phone companies take over or Obama shuts it down.

That will suck. There will be a whole lot of single people when the internet disappears.

I have always been extremely against online relationships. I have just seen so much heartbreak and pain from them. There are so many loopholes and potential for disaster. So many challenges.

What defines cheating on the internet? Cyber sex? Sending/receiving webcam? Facebook gifts? Really... how do you define the parameters of the relationship? How do you enforce them?

Long distances... long distance relationships are complicated. At some point, someone has to make a move or the relationship will fail.

The classic... you can be anyone you want to be on the internet. Yes, that is true for real life, but in real life, you are more likely to discover a fake much faster. It is easier to get out.

Because an online relationship relies on fantasy to make it real, how do you successfully transition that into the real world? How much of your real world gets shared? How much is dangerous? How do you truly get intimate with someone you have only imagined? How do you fill that need for intimacy and warmth? Eye contact, touch, to really be able to read someone's face. Tone of voice, etc. None of this can be dealt with in the virtual world. But we as humans, need all of those things.

And then I think about it... almost all of these issues also come up in face to face relationships as well. But they seem really exaggerated in the virtual world.

New relationships are awesome. You feel so elated, so wonderful. The world is amazing, and you two are undoubtedly meant for each other.

So few couples take the time to really discuss the important issues. Not just virtual relationships, but marriages, and face to face relationships too. Money, marriage, kids, cheating, religion, opinions, deal breakers, substance use... all of these need to be discussed. So many relationships go down the tubes because these things were not discussed.

In an online relationship, are you in an exclusive relationship when you decide to have cyber sex with no one else? And if that is the case, is viewing pornography considered a breach of trust? Are webcam sites considered the prostitute hiring of the internet? I have my opinions, but I'm sure everyone else does too.

We hide behind the computer screen or cellular phone when talking to friends rather than going for coffee.

We are less accountable for our actions when we are not face to face. Is this good or bad for a relationship? I suppose it would depend on what you're looking for.

Yet almost everyone I know has had an online relationship at least once. A lot of people I know are in online relationships right now. Many of them being teenagers.

Which of course brings up the subject of pedophiles. Are we teaching our children enough about online safety that they know how to get help and report online predators? Should we be adding a unit on internet dating to sexual education in schools?

I know a few people who have never been in a relationship with someone they did not meet online. Is this healthy or is it the new reality?

Am I just old fashioned? Is this just how it works now? Am I just really pessimistic? Have I become one of the "old fogies" who fears technology?

Or am I destined to stay single because I just cannot get comfortable with the idea of dating a stranger on the internet? Is my stubbornness to embrace cyber dating part of God's plan, or is it resisting God's plan?

For now, I think I will continue to look forward to seeing the guy I like and drooling over him in person while I act like a total moron.

So I decided to download an email client. I am more than happy with Gmail's webmail service, but I can't be logged into my heartbrokenangelprincess gmail and sarahlacroixmusic on youtube at the same time... it's really annoying.

So I thought, well, I should download a client. I hear that they can be most useful. I searched Google for email clients, and came across Mozilla Thunderbird. I am happy with Firefox, so, I decided to give Thunderbird a try.

I get it all downloaded and installed. I then go to set up this program to get email from my three email accounts. Heartbrokenangelprincess, sarahelacroix, and sarahlacroixmusic. (When I access it on the web, the heartbrokenangelprincess email collects all the email.

So there was no trouble getting connected to sarahelacroix and sarahlacroixmusic, but I had to log on to heartbrokenangelprincess to allow POP forwarding. I get that set up and I click on save settings.

I then go back to Thunderbird to try to get my mail. Then it tells me that it is getting the mail. That I must wait for 253 emails to download. Which makes no sense to me seeing as I only have like 50 in my inbox. 3 of them are unread.

While I am waiting I think about a message I got from a former co worker. Telling me that Douchebag is going around telling everybody that I'm a nutcase. Yeah... that's original.

I try to pretend that it doesn't bother me when people call me crazy. And then I try not to be. And then I try to get away from this crazy stigma. Or something. People are always calling me crazy. And then I try to be normal and I am so miserable that I want to go crazy. And then when I am myself, I make people uncomfortable, or just plain scare people.

And really, the only people who have ever called me crazy are people who have done some kind of harm to me.

But it still bothers me.

So I'm thinking about this, but then decide to go check up on my Thunderbird.

There's email in there alright.

The first one was from That Guy.

Before you start to shreik in absolute disbelief, it was an old email. That I sent him when I was still in Dauphin.

And then the others came pouring in.

Nothing that was actually in my inbox. Nothing recent. The most recent emails were from about a year ago with all this That Guy drama.

But then there were ones from when I lived with Simone. And stuff from back in the days of Francois and John... like the early days of John, not the more recent times. There were even a couple emails from Morgan.

But they appeared in no particular order. And where did they come from? Where???

They were not saved emails. And the trash bin wouldn't contain emails that old. And if Thunderbird was importing my trash, it should have imported all of my trash.

What is going on? Why I am so shaken by this?

I am not crazy!!!!!!

I just want to forget everything.

I don't understand.

I commit epic failure when it comes to communicating. But it gets so much worse when it involves a boy. You would think that with age, it wouldn't be so hard.

I watched my relationship (and I use the term "relationship" loosely) with That Guy die a slow and painful death because of my innability to communicate.

I am now watching any chances I may have with a boy I really like die and wither away.

It always has the same pattern.

Me: something outlandish without thinking trying to spark a conversation
Him: something defensive
Me: trying to recover from outlandish statement will try to prove I'm right
Him: offended

or maybe

Me: *blushing and looking like an airhead*
Him: Will crack a joke
Me: Will take that joke up another level
Him: *looks disgusted because I've taken it too far*

Maybe I just want people to feel as awkward as I feel. Maybe I just suck at communication. Maybe this is normal.

Ugh. Why do I even like this guy in the first place? I know he thinks that I'm a psycho. Or that I'm really really weird. Why do I even like him? I told myself that I didn't like him.

Yeah, that's the next thing.

Uh... stammer... I'm sorry... you probably think that all I want is to sleep with you... stammer... but I don't want to sleep with you... stammer ... I mean... not like right away but maybe one day... I mean... GRRRR!!!!!!

The stupid thing is that I'm actually enjoying this. The game of cat and mouse has never been an option for me. I somehow enjoy the rush or something like that.

Wow I'm weird.

Oh well, maybe he'll notice me.

Actually, I'm sure he has. So let me rephrase that.

Maybe one day he won't think that I'm a total weirdo.

Today I finished my screenplay for ScriptFrenzy. It was a huge sigh of relief. 101 pages. Life For Rent. The screenplay about my move up here. I would like to make the PDF available for download, but I have to change the names of my characters first.

Anyways, doing Sc'renzy did something for me. It told me that I can do it. I've been writing a book for a few years now, and now that I've done this, I know that I can sit down and focus and finish writing my book. I am also really looking forward to National Novel Writers Month in November.

I took a couple days to let things be as normal as can be. Finished up my script, played some guitar, filled out some job applications.

But now I have this huge to do list. I have to go to the clinic and get another doctor's note. I have to go down to the police station and talk to the constable again. I'm scared to do that on my own, but I am strong and I can overcome that fear.

I think if anything, to feel my power stolen from me gives me the strength to take it back and own it. I will not let fear break me. I will not let my broken heart dictate what I will do with my life.

I know that there are so many things that I should be doing. I take it little chunks. I can't tackle the whole world at once. I keep on trying, and it just isn't happening.

I keep on losing my focus.

I know that I am supposed to be moving back home, but I can't do that right now. And I know that my friends are going to be mad at me, but I just can't think of it right now.

Yeah, first off I am too overwhelmed with the situation at hand to even think about going home. Secondly, I have no place to live in Winnipeg. Third I have no job right now to get my ass to Winnipeg.

But also, my music is starting to really take off here. I would like to stay in Saskatchewan for at least the summer and maybe revisit the idea of moving back home in the fall. I would like to spend the summer saving some money and playing some shows around here.

And also, if I've left town, then I've just let them win. I will not let them win, and I will make sure that they will pay for what they have done.

They have the audacity to walk around as if they are the victim. Because people are giving them dirty looks. Because people have negative opinions of them. I hope that they feel uncomfortable. I hope that they feel the scrutiny. Why should I be the only one feeling bad for something they did not only to me, but to other girls as well?

I will not break down. I will hold my head up high. It's my life. I must own it.

...besides the 15 things to do before leaving Meadow Lake.

1. See what my chances are for a transfer into a Winnipeg Loblaws store. If that won't work out, I'll start looking for a job elsewhere.
2. Really work on my resume and cover letter so I don't have to spend a whole lot of time doing that when I get back home.
3. I already know that I am going to have a hard time figuring out how to ask for intern positions. So I'm thinking, maybe do some practice runs on some friends and get their imput.
4. Go through my stuff and get everything ready to ship back home. Find out how much it will cost to ship my stuff back home.
5. Find a place to live. Let me explain further:
I will be spending most of my time volunteering at a radio station. I don't know which one, I don't know what I'll be doing. Hell, if I have to be Ace Burpee's cousin's assistant's assistant coffee bitch to get my foot back in the door, I will do so. I will try my best to work part time, but all I will be able to do is work part time. So I need to find someone who can put up with me rent free. I also would prefer someone who doesn't go out partying all the time, and has their own life too.
6. Figure out how to get into Saskatoon to catch my flight home. Do I need to buy a bus ticket? Also, I need to buy my plane ticket home.
7. Find someone who can pick me up from the airport. Also find someone who can help me pick up my stuff from the bus depot.
8. Make a hair appointment. I have not had my hair cut or colored since I was home in January. So, I need to get it taken care of so I can look professional for job interviews.

Yeah, there's so much more, but this is the stuff that I am looking for loving volunteers to help out with... yes those people who truly love me back home.

I also wanted to point out... I never thought I'd be moving back to Winnipeg because it was the land of opportunity ha ha.

I suppose if worse comes to worse, I could go hide out in Morden or something. Hell with my outrageousness, pro choice views, and preaching of gay rights, I should be shunned by the entire town in no time.

Oh, and I have a sneaking suspicion that some people may have had bets on who would be the one to successfully talk me into going home. That person would be Joe. So did anyone have Joe?

(To be honest, I had my bets on That Guy)

The more I think about this, the more I realize that it's time for me to go. So now, I formulate my list of stuff to do before I move back home.

1. Girls night with Amber and Wendy
2. Bowling!
3. Save some fishies
4. Hang out with Kathy and Jill
5. "OMG I'm going back to Manitoba!!! Who's gonna...." (an inside joke referenced in my road trip to Gimli video)
6. Get really, really, really shmammered at Twisted
7. Karaoke in Dorintosh
8. Chill with Nicky
9. Poker Night
10. Make a video with Guy's car
11. Take tons of awesome pictures of Meadow Lake
12. Go play pool
13. Swimming with Britany
14. Karaoke and dance dance revolution party... I just have to figure out where
15. Hmmm... freezer, Extra Foods... jk lol

Anyways, feel free to add your imput to the list. Oh and #5 and #15 were jokes... sort of.

If I just don't think maybe it will all go away. Maybe this won't feel like a failure.

I need a solid plan. I need to have my bases covered. I need to know that I will be okay.

It's not that I'm unhappy here in Meadow Lake. But nothing is happening. And the longer I spend in this space, the harder it gets to get out of it.

And really, for a rut, it's not that bad. The scenery is beautiful, the town is quiet, I have space and time to think.

Or perhaps too much time to think.

I have all these dreams and goals and plans, and now the four walls of my mind echo so loud that nothing makes sense. And the longer it goes on, the more it tortures me.

All this stuff I want to do, and no solid place to take that first step.

Moving out here was the hardest, best thing I have ever done. By the time I left home, I felt like I had nothing left and I was just waiting for my time to die. My dreams felt like nothing more than beautiful fantasies that could never become real.

And then I moved out here. And I had so many challenges, but I really feel like I came out ahead. Nobody knew me here. I had no history. I could finally figure out what made me happy. What was important to me. Hell, I could finally be me, and no one could say anything because nobody knew any different.

While out here, I earned this freedom, the control over my life I have never had before. I finally felt like I owned my life.

Going home to visit was so overwhelming. The city itself gave me panic attacks. I was counting down the seconds until I could be back in Meadow Lake. In fact, Winnipeg didn't even feel like home anymore. I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere.

And now, here I am back in Meadow Lake. I've been living here 10 months now. I've developed some amazing friendships. I feel like everybody out here who knows me, knows me. I have not put on a show for anybody. I am strange, quirky, sensitive, passionate, creative, outrageous... and I have not hidden it from anybody.

I fear losing all of this going home. I fear losing my control. I fear losing myself again. I fear falling back into old patterns because it's what I know. I fear that two or three months in, I will look at my life and realize that I spent a year of my life in Meadow Lake only to go back to something I never wanted.

I feel like somehow, going back home is committing epic fail.

But then, there is the other side of things...

Have I perhaps become so comfortable hiding away in Meadow Lake that it is no longer the solution, but the problem?

Maybe the very thing that happened in Winnipeg ended up happening here, I just didn't notice because it was different things.

Like Extra Foods and the internet and my blog swallowed me to the point where it was just like boozing and sexing and karaokeing... it will all drive me crazy in their own ways?

Ugh. I don't know how to explain it.

At this point it is fear that holds me back.

I do have a plan upon moving back into Winnipeg. But I can't lose sight of it. I can't ever lose sight of what is important to me again.

I'm not planning on moving back permanently... just to get my career back on track, and let's face it... it's not gonna happen out here.

My dreams mean to much to me for me to let them become stale.

But I am so scared to fall back into what I know.

Except I don't know that lifestyle anymore.

Maybe I should eat something and go to sleep. Maybe things will make more sense in the morning.

All I know is that I just have to hold my breath and jump in. It's the only way. The more I think, the more I find to fear.

They say that running away from your problems doesn't solve anything. I don't know who they are, but they're wrong and right.

I've been fluttering between three different places right now. I moved out of Guy's but a lot of my stuff is there, and he has the internet. The girl I live with, Shirley is in the process of moving out if her basement suite into a new house. So stuff is spread out everywhere and it has been for the last few weeks.

But a couple weeks ago I misplaced my journal/ramblings/songs book. At first I didn't think too much of it, but it's been awhile now, and I've torn the places apart looking for it. I could have sworn I left it at Guy's but, I still can't find it.

Running through my head I have horrifying visions of the book getting into the wrong person's hands. I have visions of it being the primary form of entertainment on poker night or something.

I'm probably just paranoid right?

I found another Script Frenzy writer from Meadow Lake yesterday. That's super cool. Got my mind spinning. I've been trying to figure out what turn to take next in my career.

One thing is very clear to me. I could never be happy or even complete without writing and making music.

And this is not just my feeling, but other people have also noticed that I am happier since I've been sharing my music and concentrating on writing.

But yeah... so I need to come up with a good sounding rough demo.

I sometimes don't want to admit that I'm a musician or a singer-songwriter or any other form of starving artist. I get visions of people rolling their eyes and thinking that that is code for lazy or doesn't really want to get a job.

But then, this is also a long shot. But I am really good at this. I know it. So I guess that also gives me an ego. But still.

Yesterday I was recording some new music. I got a karaoke machine that records, and although the sound quality is not pro, it is way better than what I had going on before. Shirley came home while I was recording. I got so embarrassed that she heard me playing guitar and singing my original stuff. And yet she is a huge supporter!

So I need to work on my extreme fear of playing in front of people. So I'm thinking that maybe I should play for my friends or something. Or maybe, I'll record the guitar music and sing my original piece in Gimli or something.

I dunno. Just rambling.

And hoping for a shift in balance soon.

I stopped paying tons of attention to SJ and MJ standings. It just really stopped mattering. If I heard it on the radio, or it came up in conversation, it's not like I would avoid the subject, but I didn't actively go about seeking out the scores.

I have come across some important conclusions this hockey season.

1. It doesn't matter who is playing, who is winning, or who won the last game. Okay, that is not completely true. It does matter, but not to me. I have come to the conclusion that I love the game. The strategy, the speed, the energy, the passion.

2. The NHL leaves me wanting more. It reminds me of wrestling. It's all show. Which is really too bad because also like wrestling, it takes a lot of talent and skill to get there. People complain about hockey players and their salaries, but what it comes down to is that this is sports entertainment. Hockey almost takes a back seat in the NHL. Yeah, people gather for the game, yet at the same time, fights, sponsorships and politics end up taking over. I also think that when the game is no longer front and center, the passion for the game starts to die.

However at the same time, it makes me a hypocrite to critisize the NHL. Getting into the NHL is making it big the the hockey world. It is the corporatization of the game. In essence, it is the same as an indie musician getting picked up by a major label, a screenwriter's script being made into a major Hollywood movie. The magic slowly starts to disppear once you hit the big time, but we all still want to be on top.

3. Playing the game is awesome. Skills, no skills, it doesn't matter. My one regret of this winter is that I didn't play enough hockey. I have very little skill when it comes to hockey, but I have so much fun that I really don't care. And no, I have no desire to even play league, but whatever. I also enjoy doing hockey drills which may seem really strange.

*I am super excited! I bought a football yesterday. I need to get a baseball glove, but because I know nothing about gloves, I have to hit up my dear friend Randy for advice first. And then I need to find someone to play catch with me.*

As well as countless other epipanies, conclusions, and things I have learned over the last year, some pertaining to sports, many not.

Anyways, back to my story.

While driving to Lloydminster, we were listening to the news on the radio. And then the sports news. Anavet Cup news.

Humbolt and Portage.

My bet with a certain sports announcer. I was just blowing smoke out of my ass, but at the same time there was method to my madness that he would hear nothing of.

In the original blog post, I promised readers that I would reveal the method behind the madness that tells me this stuff, but I have decided that even though I know the method, explaining it will only further reveal my madness.

I was not 100% right. My bets were on Battlefords or Kindersley. But, I also said that Portage would be playing. Now if Humbolt spanks Portage, that makes me even more right.

Hearing this did put me into a frenzy. Wondering what I should do. And though there are many things that I am tempted to do, I will do none of them.

This was all based on a gut feeling of a meant to be that I couldn't explain. And I still can't. But I think that if I believe that this is based on a meant to be, then I need to sit back and let what's meant to be be.

*So I pretty much explained my reasoning without explaining it.*
*Randy, I await your common sense rebuttle*