The Quest For Me

The follow up to my earlier post... things that I most definitely want to try and/or accomplish. Some of these things I've done before, but I want to make sure that I do it again. I'm making this a sticky post, and I will cross things off as I accomplish them.

1. Get my driver's licence
2. Get a credit card  March 25, 2012
3. Get a promotion
4. Make someone's day
5. Pay off my student loans
6. Go to a dance
7. Do standup comedy at an open mic
8. Run a kilometer  1km 16:30 March 26, 2012
9. Get my teeth fixed
10. Play a show at the Park Theatre
11. Buy a car
12. Buy a house
13. Buy a really nice, quality purse
14. Get my weight down to 150 lbs
15. Do a cartwheel in the park
16. Fly a kite
17. Get one of my songs played on the radio
18. Get a raise
19. Release a full album
20. Learn to network
21. Learn to deal with my anxiety
22. Go to Europe
23. Go to Cuba
24. Go to Vegas
25. See the ocean
26. Get a bongo
27. Wear an evening gown
28. Teach one of my skills to someone
29. Watch all of the TED Talks
30. Learn to play chess
31. Make a new friend
32. Beat my time running a km
33. Adopt a Great Dane
34. Go to Vancouver

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. Last week, I had a nightmare where I went to group and instead of the people I was expecting to be there, it was a room full of me and all my exes.

I could laugh about that one in the morning. Heck, when I told the group about that one they had a really good laugh at it.

I'm still shaken by last night, particularly because it did really play hard with my worry thoughts.

Suit and I sat side by side in the middle of a huge room. There were people walking around the room, but none I knew, and no one came to talk to us. They were just doing their own thing.

Suit and I sat there talking. The first time we had spoken since everything went down. My heart was pounding in my chest because I knew that the answers were coming. This was D Day. This would be the day I found out if we were going to stay together or go our separate ways.

He tells me that he does love me. He wants to be with me, but he's terrified. He has so much to be afraid of right now that he's really not sure if he can be with me. My heart pounds even harder as he tells me this. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, bracing myself for the worst.

"I want to be with you. I just don't know how. I want to learn. Are you willing to be patient with me? I'm willing to work at this with you." he says to me.

I'm filled with joy as he says this. "Yes. I know that it's not going to be easy. I know that we have a long road ahead of us. But I do really believe that we can do it. We have the basic necessities, we can build on that."

I am so happy that he wants to be with me. I hold him in my arms. Then out of the corner of my eye, I see my ex, Francois walk by. Quickly, I bury my head in Suit's lap so I can hide.

I hear footsteps and Francois walks up to Suit and says, "She's beautiful, charming and incredibly convincing, but don't let yourself be fooled. She's evil. Get away from this psycho as fast as you can." I hear Francois walk away.

I look up at Suit with tears in my eyes. Suit suddenly looks like he's been woken up from a fog of some sort.

"He's right. I don't want to be with you. You're crazy." He pushes me off him, gets up and walks away.

"I'm not that girl anymore!" I cry out to him as he walks away.

I see Francois standing in a corner watching as this happens. "It has been 6 years since we broke up. How could you do that to me?" I ask.

"Because some people never change. Do you really think that just because you went and got treatment you're a different person? People like you should never be in relationships. All you do is ruin people." He answers.

I woke up in tears. This nightmare really messed with my head.

I find myself terrified of what happens one week from today. The day that a decision will be made. I've been in this situation before and I know how the story ends.

The thing is, I don't know what happens next week. I can't tell the future. I can't read minds or be in someone else's mind or body.

I know that this is just a feeling and feelings pass. I know that these are worry thoughts. They are not facts.

I try my best to push the worry thoughts out of my head with more positive thoughts. I try to distract myself.

I usually feel amazing after the gym and even though it was the last place I wanted to go today, I went. I pushed myself as hard as I could. The half hour of cardio only slightly alleviated the symptoms.

I know that this feeling will pass, as all feelings do.

I realize that really, it's not about anyone else. This is about myself. But in this time of vulnerability, I will make sure to take good care of myself. Get a good night's rest. Eat healthy. Continue with working out. Maintaining my health the best I can so I can continue to deal with this effectively. The only way I'll get stronger is if I am challenged. Sometimes that means I'll be challenged with emotional situations so I can get stronger emotionally too.

I think that my medical treatment is going well. However, the last few days have been exhausting. We've been working on distorted thinking and rational emotive thinking. The basis being that events do not cause feelings. There is a thought between the event and the feeling that causes the feeling.

Today I feel rather agitated and I'm not sure why.

I started feeling sick a couple days ago. It started off with some light headedness. By last night, I had a hard time getting out of bed.

I chalked it up to exhaustion and decided to be kind to myself. I spent the evening in bed with a book. Chatted a bit with a friend.

This morning, my stomach was upset. So I made myself some ginger water, hoping it would soothe it. It did for a little while.

I've been waiting for messages from two of my friends. Trying to figure out what's going on later. I may or may not be working. I made plans to go to the park this weekend, but I have no idea when.

My practice in distorted thinking came when for a split second my thoughts went across the lines of "He probably found someone way better to hang out with last night. Maybe he decided that we shouldn't be friends. He probably secretly hates me."

So with a couple of deep breaths, I took the time to be mindful of this and change my thinking. "He chooses who he hangs out with. If he didn't want to hang out with me, he wouldn't keep hanging out with me. We would not have a friendship if we didn't like or respect each other. Besides, he could be sleeping, or busy right now, or any number of things. But he definitely doesn't secretly hate me."

I consider that a win.

So in order to keep the distorted thoughts from coming back, I distracted myself with some cleaning that desperately needed to be done. I cleaned my kitchen, cleaned out my fridge a bit and cleaned my bathroom. Hell, I even cleaned off my dining room table and took out garbage and recycling.

One of my treatment goals is to find healthy balance in my life. Be able to balance music, gym friends, etc. along with my responsibilities like work, maintaining a tidy apartment and taking time for myself to chill.

What I'm finding is that right now I have a lot of feelings coming up that need to be dealt with. Things that I have chosen not to deal with until now because it hurt too much.

And maybe that's why I need to cut myself some slack right now. It's okay to be a little anxious about the unknown. It's not okay to pretend that these feelings don't exist.

I may have no idea if I'm working tonight or when I'm going to the park, but it will get figured out eventually.

My apartment is not yet spotless, but the important areas are tidied up. I feel much better about how it's looking now.

And if today I want to break a few rules and have my phone and laptop in my room because I'm sick, that's okay too. I keep telling myself that it doesn`t make me lazy, it makes me human.

I wasn't always so fiercely independent.

Not completely true.

As a child, I was quite independent. I had an attitude of "I'll do it myself." I prefered to figure things out for myself even if learning the lesson was hard.

And then I morphed into grossly codependent. I couldn't function on my own. I didn't know how. I desperately needed someone by my side. Always.

When I moved to Saskatchewan, my life changed. I took back the old, independent me. I took back my brains and my talents and took charge of my life.

Through the journey, I learned a lot about love.

I have experienced love, and I feel that I am a better person for having that experience. But I've also learned that love always hurts. Maybe it doesn't always break your bones or put you down, but it always hurts.

And then perhaps became too independent. Because I don't need anybody and I hate being put in a position where I have to be proven wrong. I don't need to see a doctor! I have the internet and Advil! I don't need you to open the door for me or help carrying my bags.

And then I made the sobering realization that I am truly meant to be alone. I don't need anyone. I don't want anyone getting in my way. It's obvious why no one suitable wants to be with me. Because I'd rather carry the load of love myself. Even when I'm drowning in my own feelings, suffocating, choking.

I'm just trying to be a sexy BAMF. I'm just trying to be more awesome than before.

And I'll continue to be more awesome on my own. Some people are just meant to be alone.

My mom randomly texted me today to ask if I wanted to do lunch. I felt bad saying no, but I had to do my test today at 11:30, check on my friend's cat and still get to work by 1.

She understood and we'll likely go out for lunch next week.

But then she asked if Suit will be coming for Easter dinner. Do I say

A. He's got his own family thing.
B. I'm sure there are a million things he'd rather do on his long weekend than spend it with coworkers and an ex girlfriend.
C. I never even thought to ask him.
D. No. Suit will not be there.
E. Yeah. We broke up. It's cool though. We're still friends.
F. We broke up. Geez Mom, don't you follow my Twitter?

You see, I kinda forgot to tell my mom we broke up and I don't have the lady balls to tell her yet. And I'd rather not break her heart over text message if I can help it. I'd rather explain it to her in person.

So I simply said, "No. Suit will not be there." And then texted my sister for backup.

Day 2 without Pepsi and I'm about to cut a bitch. Seriously.

Today, I am thankful for amazing support and amazing friends.

Bosslady joined my bucket list team and offered me the best advice I've ever had.

Fruit cups.

She told me that when I'm craving a Pepsi to eat a fruit cup and it will take care of the sugar craving. I tried it tonight and it totally worked.

For that, I am thankful.

I've been single for 4 days now. Yesterday, I only cried once. Today, so far I've had no tears. I'll take my victories where I can get them.

I have to say, I think that overall, I've lived a brave life. I've had a lot to be afraid of, and a lot to work through, and I've made it through it.

My heart is broken now, but I know that I'm going to put those pieces back together. As for love, I guess I'm still trying to figure that out. But for now, I have some loose ends to tie up. Things that held me back, goals that I need to accomplish, things big and small that I want to do, some just for the sake of saying I've done them.

1. Go to a dance.
I've never been the girl who got asked to dances. I've always wanted to be asked to a dance. Well I'm sick of waiting to be asked, and why should I have to? I will find a dance and take myself.

2. Finish my medical treatment.
I know that it's going to be hard and painful, but I know that I'm going to be better off for having done it. I'm lucky to have access to this treatment, and it will hurt for a little while, but then I'm going to be stronger and better for having completed it. It will give me the tools I need to accomplish many, many things.

3. Release another album.
I will be releasing another acoustic EP in the next few weeks. I am also working on a full album.

4. Get my driver's license.
I do feel really lame for not having my license. It used to make sense. Now, I'm just making excuses. I'm ashamed to admit that I don't drive, and that's something that I can fix.

5. Pay off my student loan.
It's my only debt, and it's just good business.

6. Get into shape.
I know that I'm beautiful. I know that I'm sexy. But getting into shape is an all around good thing. It's healthy, boost my moods, and regulate my sleeping and eating patterns. I'm not necessarily out to lose tons of weight, I just want to be healthier and have more energy.

7. Increase my income.
I don't go out a lot or try new things. My shoes have holes and my hair has roots. Money isn't the be all and end all of the universe, but I'd like to live comfortably now and also in the future. I dream of one day getting married and having kids, but as it stands I wouldn't be able to pay for a wedding, let alone raising kids. I can barely take care of myself. Right now I have the luxury of having the time to better establish myself.

8. Learn a new skill.
I have lots of skills and abilities, but I want to learn something new and different. I don't know what yet, but I do want to learn something new.

9. Eat, drink, love, laugh, and see.
I love adventure and trying new things. I do love seeing places I've never been before. It is my goal to not only travel to another town or city I've never been to, but also to go to places in this city that I've never been to before.

10. Play live more.
After months of depression and not feeling the will to sing, I started to get out there and play my guitar and sing more. I refuse to let myself lose ground again. Right now, I don't feel like singing or playing my guitar, but I'm gonna do it anyways.


It's all fine and dandy to have goals. It's great to randomly write things down. But there has to also be a plan in place. I have to take the steps to make these things happen.

Going to a dance will be pretty easy. I just have to find one to go to. I've started my medical treatment, and by the end of May I'll be finished it. There are many baby steps I have to take. But for now, it's time for me to go for my jog.

I am thankful for the comfiest bed in the entire world. It's so soft and welcoming. The blankets and pillows take me in to a place where all is right with the world.

My bed is a place that is truly mine. When I feel alone or rejected, my bed takes me in and gives me the warmest hug ever. I can stay as long as I'd like.

I spent yesterday on my couch swerving between hysterics, quiet sobs and short nightmares. I wallowed in my sorrow and spent the day allowing myself to feel the pain.

I don't want to hurt. I really don't. I don't want him to hurt. I really wish it didn't, ya know?

But just because I don't want it to hurt, doesn't mean that I can make it stop. So I let myself feel it. I let myself feel the physical wrenching of my heart in my chest as I tried to make sense of it all.

Today, I tried to go into work. Just because my world feels shattered right now, doesn't mean it's stopped. Life has to go on, right?

After several random bouts of crying spells, I gave up and went home. I have the weekend off, so this works out well.

I realized that I have no regrets. I would do this all over again in a heartbeat. All of this, was so worth it. The things I learned, the joy, everything... so worth it. No regrets at all.

So I let myself feel the pain. I let myself mourn the ending of this chapter in my life, knowing that one day, this will be but a memory. One that makes sense. So much pain in my life, I held inside me, trying to be strong, not wanting to burden anyone with it. So much that it would come out in angry bursts.

For something so wonderful deserves a few tears. This chapter in my life deserves a good send off, because let's face it... it was a great chapter and I am so lucky to have been able to experience it.

So I sat on my couch continuing my Bones marathon. I sat there and cried. And then, I let myself laugh. And I realized that this is a good thing.

Because I also deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel the anger and the pain and the joy and the excitement.

With the help of some very good friends (1 in particular *cough*bosslady*cough*), I was able to accept the fact that I have to feel these things. I have to let myself feel them so I don't hold it inside me. I can't let him become pain that gets held inside me so long it turns into bitter resentment.

So I got up off my couch. Put on a pair of shoes and hit the pavement. First a leisurely stroll, then a powerwalk, then succumbing to my urge to run and running.

My feet hitting the pavement, I could feel the blood rushing through my heart, the music pounding in my ears. My hair loose, waving behind me. And I learned that I love this. I really, really do.

Time heals all wounds, and in the meantime, I'll be chasing pavement because it's all leading to somewhere.